


Incorrect Beetlejuice Quotes

by Violent_Bulldog



Category: Beetlejuice - All Media Types, The Addams Family (Movies)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Incorrect Quotes, Lydia is gay, M/M, Meme, Memes, Multi, Tumblr Memes, fuck off, no beetlebabes, shitpost, this is a mess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-03-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:21:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 510
Words: 14,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22325500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Violent_Bulldog/pseuds/Violent_Bulldog
Summary: Can you guess what this is?
Relationships: Adam Maitland/Barbara Maitland, Beetlejuice & Lydia Deetz, Beetlejuice/Adam Maitland, Beetlejuice/Adam Maitland/Barbara Maitland, Beetlejuice/Barbara Maitland, Charles Deetz & Delia Deetz & Adam Maitland & Barbara Maitland, Charles Deetz/Delia Deetz, Lydia Deetz & Adam Maitland & Barbara Maitland, Lydia Deetz & Hayley Martin & Wednesday Addams & Skye & Presley & Beetlejuice, Lydia Deetz & Hayley Martin & Wednesday Addams & Skye & Presley & Beetlejuice & Charles Deetz, Lydia Deetz/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 321
Kudos: 406





	1. Watch This!

  
_Lydia:_ BJ has no survival or self-preservation skills. I think he was just born without them

 _Adam:_ That can’t be true

 _Lydia:_ Watch this

 _Lydia:_ Hey, BJ! Race you down the stairs!

_BJ: *_ _jumps out a three-story window*_


	2. That's Fair

_Delia:_ Did you have to stab him?

_BJ:_ You weren't there. You didn't hear what he said to me

_Delia:_ What did he say?

_BJ:_ "What are you gonna do? Stab me?"

_Lydia:_ That's fair


	3. Laundry Detergents

_Lydia:_ Do you think laundry detergents have different tastes?

 _BJ:_ They do

 _Charles, looking up from a book:_ W-Why do you say that with such certainty?


	4. We Agree On Something

_Lydia:_ Murder is an effective way to acquire free stuff

_BJ:_ Finally, we agree on something


	5. Powdered Donuts

_Barbara:_ Who ate all the powdered donuts?

_Lydia, staring at BJ:_ I think I might have an idea

_BJ, covered in white powder:_ It wasn't me!

_Adam:_ You're literally covered in the powder!

_BJ:_ ...It's cocaine

_**-Later-** _

_Barbara:_ Oh, the donuts were in the fridge

_Lydia:_

_Adam:_

_Barbara:_

_Barbara:_ BEETLEJUICE!


	6. I Spy

_Lydia:_ I spy with my little eye someone who needs to shut the fuck up

 _BJ:_ Is it me?

 _Lydia:_ It's always you


	7. Fantastic Plan...

_Barbara:_ You don't want Lydia to die

_Barbara:_ And I don't want Lydia to die

_Barbara:_ So now we gotta make sure that Lydia doesn't want Lydia to die

_Charles:_ Fantastic plan but have you met Lydia?


	8. No U

_Charles:_ I was attracted to you first

 _Delia:_ Well, I confessed first

 _Charles:_ Well, I asked you out first

 _Delia:_ Well, I said "I love you" first

 _Charles:_ Well...

_Charles: *Gets down on one knee*_

_Charles:_ I proposed first!

_Delia:_

_Everyone Else:_ wAIT WHA-


	9. Listening

_Adam:_ What do you think?

_Lydia:_ I wasn't listening, but I strongly disagree with BJ


	10. To-Do List

_Delia:_ BJ! What is this?

 _BJ:_ It's my to-do list

 _Delia:_ Oh? That's great. I'm so proud that you're starting to be-

_Delia:_

_Delia:_ This just says "Maitlands"


	11. I Know You

_BJ:_ You don't know shit!

 _Lydia:_ I know you and you're shitty enough!


	12. Wiggling Air

_BJ:_ Music is just wiggling air

 _Adam:_ Don't do this. Don't do this to me today


	13. Depresso

_Lydia:_ Coffee is my angel, you got a problem with that?

 _Barbara:_ You shouldn't be drinking that much coffee, you're a child

 _Lydia:_ I am depresso so I need my espresso


	14. Have A Nice Day!

_Lydia:_ You can say, "Have a nice day!" without a problem

 _BJ:_ But you can't say "Enjoy the next 24 hours" without sounding vaguely threatening

 _Hayley:_ How did you get into my house?


	15. Kiwi

_Adam:_ What's your major?

 _BJ:_ How about a more unique question...

 _Delia:_ Which vegetable gives you the most anxiety?

 _BJ:_ Kiwis! Bad experience with one as a kid

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ That's a fucking fruit


	16. Swear

_Hayley:_ Okay, I'm gonna need you to swear-

 _Lydia:_ Fuck

_Hayley:_

_Hayley:_ Swear as in promise...


	17. Pineapples

_BJ:_ What even is your weakness?

 _Miss Argentina:_ Cowardice and weak-willed men

_BJ:_

_Miss Argentina:_

_Miss Argentina:_ ...And pineapples


	18. Two Bullets

_Lydia:_ If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden and BJ, I would shoot BJ twice

 _BJ:_ What did I do?

 _Lydia:_ You DRANK my COFFEE!

 _Charles, gasping:_ You didn't!

 _Lydia:_ He DID!


	19. Thirteen Hours

_Adam:_ I was asleep for thirteen hours, what did I miss?

 _BJ:_ This dick!

 _Adam:_ Good, I didn't miss anything big

_Lydia: *Clapping in the background*_


	20. Armkle

_Lydia: *Hurts her arm*_

_Lydia:_ Ouch, my armkle!

 _Barbara:_ Your what?

 _Hayley:_ Her wrist


	21. Drive Forward

**_(Car hanging off the edge of a cliff)_ **

_Charles:_ Oh my god Delia, back up!

 _Delia:_ Oh, really Charles? I thought I should drive forward. I thought it'd be the right thing to do


	22. Signs

_Adam:_ What are the signs of depression?

 _Barbara:_ I don't know, why?

 _Adam:_ Lydia dropped the laundry basket and said: "Why has god forsaken me?" while holding up a peace sign


	23. Crying

_Lydia:_ I'm this close to crying

 _BJ:_ Your fingers are touching

 _Lydia, sobbing:_ I KNOW!


	24. Dear Diary

**_(After "Creepy Old Guy")_ **

_Lydia:_ Dear Diary, my teen-angst bullshit has a body count


	25. Reaction

_Lydia:_ Hey, do you wanna hear a chemistry joke?

_Adam:_

_Lydia:_ Do you?

 _Adam:_ I'm sorry, did you want a reaction?

 _Lydia and Barbara:_ _*Groaning*_


	26. Oh No

_Lydia: *Gets out a knife*_

_Hayley:_ Oh no

_Lydia: *Opens box with the knife*_

_Hayley:_ Oh, thank god-

_Lydia: *Pulls a gun out of the box*_

_Hayley:_ LYDIA NO-


	27. Not The Worst Thing

_Lydia: *Popping a bag of popcorn with a lighter at 3 am*_

_Barbara: *Walks in*_

_Lydia:_

_Barbara:_

_Lydia:_ Let's be real, this is not the worst thing you've caught me doing


	28. It Just Be Like That Sometimes

_Lydia:_ It costs 400$ to see a therapist

 _Lydia:_ But it's free to tell yourself "It just be like that sometimes"

 _Barbara:_ What? No!


	29. Tell Them About Yourself

_BJ:_ How do I get someone to like me?

 _Miss Argentina:_ Tell them about yourself!

**_(Later)_ **

_BJ, to the Maitlands:_ I'm socially awkward and can drink one litre of milk in ten seconds


	30. Kill Three

_Adam:_ There are seven chairs and ten people. What do you do?

 _Charles:_ Have everyone stand

 _Lydia:_ Bring three more chairs

 _Miss Argentina:_ The best seven of the lot can sit down

 _BJ:_ Kill three


	31. Corn Mazes

_Lydia:_ What's your greatest strength?

 _Delia:_ Getting out of corn mazes

 _Lydia:_ What's your greatest weakness?

 _Delia:_ Finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes


	32. Tragic

**_(During "Creepy Old Guy")_ **

_Lydia:_ Sometimes, you just have to say "Tragic" and move on


	33. Small

_Lydia:_ When I was small-

 _BJ, laughing:_ was


	34. I Know What I'm Doing

_Otho:_ Trust me, I know what I'm doing

 _Charles:_ Not even God knows what you're doing, Otho


	35. Global Warming

_BJ:_ Girls are hot

 _BJ:_ Guys are hot

 _BJ:_ Why is everyone so hot?

 _Barbara:_ Global warming


	36. Knives

_BJ:_ Don't worry, I have a few knives up my sleeve

 _Delia:_ I think you mean cards

 _BJ, pulling knives from his sleeve:_ I do not


	37. One Dinner

_Adam:_ This food is too hot, I can't eat it

 _BJ:_ You're too hot and I still eat you

 _Lydia, slamming her hands down on the table:_ One dinner. I just want ONE DINNER!


	38. Coma

_Lydia:_ Maybe if I just went into a coma, this would all go away...


	39. Trash

_Lydia:_ I am a piece of trash

 _Hayley:_ Well, as someone who cares deeply about the environment, I'm obligated to pick you up. Is seven okay?

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ You smooth fucker

_BJ: *Gagging*_


	40. Ocean

_Skye:_ You remind me of the ocean

 _Lydia:_ Why? Because I'm deep and mysterious?

 _Skye:_ No, because you're salty and you scare people


	41. Mom #1

_Lydia:_ Hey Mom #3

 _Barbara:_ Lydia, I'm alright with you considering me a mother figure, but what happened to moms #1 and #2?

_Lydia:_

_Barbara:_ What happened to the moms, Lyds?


	42. Plant

_Barbara:_ Sad? Buy a plant

 _Barbara:_ Happy? Buy a plant

 _Barbara:_ Sick of demons groping you and your husband? Buy a large sandworm shaped plant and place it next to your door


	43. Dear Santa

_Lydia:_ Dear Santa

 _Lydia:_ I'm writing to let you know that I have been naughty...

 _Lydia:_ And it was worth it, you judgmental bastard


	44. Boy Problems

_BJ:_ I'm having boy problems

 _Lydia:_ Remember, the easiest way to any man's heart is between the fourth and fifth rib

 _BJ:_ I KNOW, I WAS THE ONE WHO TAUGHT YOU THAT!


	45. Alphabetical Order

_Delia:_ Charles!

 _Delia:_ Why aren't the plates in alphabetical order?

 _Charles:_ What the fuck does that mean?


	46. Cheating

_BJ:_ Pansexuals aren't more likely to cheat in a relationship

 _BJ:_ However, we are more likely to cheat at Mario Kart

 _BJ:_ Bisexuals are more likely to cheat at Jenga

 _BJ:_ Gays and lesbians are more likely to cheat at Uno

 _BJ:_ And aces and aros are more likely to cheat at Monopoly

 _Delia:_ Wait, how do you cheat at Jenga?

 _BJ:_ Ask Adam


	47. Short And Sweet

_Delia, seeing Lydia and Hayley holding hands:_ So, who finally confessed?

 _Lydia:_ It was me. I made sure to keep it short and sweet

 _Hayley:_ Short and sweet?

 _Hayley:_ BJ gave you weed one night and you climbed in through my window and yelled "Listen here you little shit, I have feelings for you and I know you have feelings for me too so it's about goddamn time we acknowledge them"

 _Lydia:_ Like I said... short and sweet

 _Delia:_ Wait, BJ gave you WHAT?


	48. Santa

_Lydia:_ Hey Hayley, have you written your letter to Santa yet?

 _Hayley:_ Don't be silly, Santa isn't r-

 _Barbara:_ -Ready to accept letters yet!

 _Lydia:_ Oh, ok, that makes sense

_Lydia: *Leaves room*_

_Hayley:_ What was that?

 _Barbara:_ We haven't told her yet...

_Hayley:_

_Hayley:_ SHE IS SIXTEEN!


	49. My Bad

**_(Glass breaks in the distance)_ **

_Lydia:_ My bad!

 _Charles:_ Just yelling "My bad" doesn't make it okay!


	50. Bestest Of Friends

_Lydia:_ Go crawl into a ditch and die

 _BJ:_ I hope you get hit by a bus

_Delia: *Walks into the room*_

_Lydia:_ Aren't we the bestest of friends?

 _BJ:_ Yep, the best!

_Delia: *Smiles and leaves*_

_BJ:_ I'm going to push you off a cliff

 _Lydia:_ Not if I push you off first


	51. Friends?

_Delia:_ Call your friends!

 _Lydia:_ What friends?


	52. Monster

_Lydia:_ Dad, there's a monster under my bed and it's freaking me out

 _BJ:_ Honestly Lyds? Fuck you


	53. Guess Who

_Barbara, covering Lydia's eyes:_ Guess who!

 _Lydia:_ It's either the cold, clammy hands of death or Barbara

 _Barbara, removing her hands:_ It's Barbara!

 _Lydia:_ Damnit


	54. Scarred

**_(After "That Beautiful Sound")_ **

_Skye:_ It scarred me!

 _Lydia:_ Where's the scar?

 _Skye:_ On my SOUL!


	55. Eagle Two

_BJ:_ From now on, we'll be using code names

 _BJ:_ You can address me as "Eagle One"

 _BJ:_ Miss Argentina is "Been there, done that"

 _BJ:_ Adam is "Currently doing that"

 _BJ:_ Delia is "It happened once in a dream"

 _BJ:_ Charles is "If I had to pick a straight guy

 _BJ:_ Lyds is "Eagle Two"

 _Lydia:_ Oh, thank god


	56. Free Cookies

_Lydia:_ God, when will you ever grow up?

 _BJ:_ Will I still get free cookies if I do?

 _Lydia:_ No?

 _BJ:_ Then you have your answer

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ WE BUY THOSE COOKIES, YOU JERK!


	57. I Don't Hear Anything

_Charles:_ Hold on, I don't hear anything

 _Delia:_ What's wrong with that?

 _Charles:_ There is a teenager and a demon living in this house

 _Charles:_ And no noise? 

_Charles:_

_Charles:_ That's what's wrong


	58. Homie

_BJ:_ Satan wasn't exactly a homie if i'm being honest

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ What the hell...?


	59. Spider

**_(After a fight)_ **

_Lydia:_ Fine!

_Lydia: *Storms to her room and walks straight back out*_

_Charles_ : What?

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ There's a spider, can you please kill it?


	60. Forty Minutes

_Delia:_ Could I just ask, how exactly did you two accidentally set a lemon on fire?

 _Lydia:_ Microwave for forty minutes

 _Charles:_ Why were you microwaving a lemon?

 _Lydia:_ Barbara said that boiling lemons helps to cover up bad smells

 _BJ:_ And we wanted to cover the smell of burnt oranges, but there weren't any pots

 _Charles:_ You burnt an orange too?

 _BJ:_ Yeah

 _Delia:_ How?

 _Lydia:_ Microwave for forty minutes


	61. Fear

_Adam:_ What's your biggest fear?

 _Lydia:_ I threw a boomerang a year ago and it never came back

 _Lydia:_ I live in constant fear


	62. Bad Advice

_Lydia:_ How do I ask Hayley out?

 _BJ:_ Roses are red, violets are blue. Guess what, my bed has room for two!

 _Lydia:_ BJ, no-

 _BJ:_ Twinkle twinkle little star, we can do it in the car

 _Lydia:_ STOP!

 _BJ:_ Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, I can make you scream

 _Lydia:_ BEETLEJUICE, SHUT UP!


	63. Bandaid

_Adam:_ I'm dating someone. I didn't know how to tell you, because I didn't know if you'd accept it or not-

 _Delia:_ Just rip it off like a bandaid

 _Adam:_ BJ is my boyfriend

_Delia:_

_Delia:_ Put the bandaid back on


	64. It's A Nice Day

_Lydia:_ I'm okay, I can handle my emotions. I do NOT have anger issues. I can be happy, It's a nice day.

**_Five Minutes Later_ **

_Lydia:_ No, I'm not okay, what am I thinking? Fuck you, I can jump off the roof of my house if I WANT TO AND I WILL. GET. FUCKED


	65. Good Morning

_BJ, T-Posing and floating five inches off of the ground:_ Good morning, father figure

 _Charles, visibly unfazed:_ Good morning, problem child two


	66. Star

_Delia:_ Why is BJ's face on top of the Christmas tree?

 _BJ:_ Because I'm a star


	67. Brag

_BJ:_ What are you talking about? I never brag

 _Barbara:_ You once called your face proof of God's existence

 _BJ:_ I didn't lie though


	68. Are You Okay?

_Charles:_ Were you dropped on the head as a child?

 _BJ:_ Bold of you to assume I was ever held

_Charles:_

_BJ:_

_Charles:_ Are you okay?


	69. Closed Casket Funeral

_Emily:_ I want a closed casket funeral and someone playing "Pop Goes the Weasel" very slowly

 _Emily:_ Will my body open the casket at the end? I don't know. Neither will you

 _Charles:_ Wow, let's not do that


	70. Password

_Computer:_ Create a password

 _Lydia, typing:_ Women

 _Computer:_ Password is too weak

 _Lydia:_ Wh-


	71. Slushies

_Barbara:_ Why are your tongues purple?

 _Lydia:_ We had slushies. I had red

 _Hayley:_ I had blue

 _Barbara:_ Oh, okay

_Barbara:_

_Barbara:_ OH


	72. Chair

_BJ, with his foot stuck in a chair:_ You may be asking, "BJ, how did you do this to yourself?"

 _BJ, confused and struggling to get it unstuck:_ Well guys, BJ doesn't know either


	73. Onion

_BJ: *Takes a bite out of an onion*_

_Everyone Else:_

_BJ:_ What?


	74. Give Me A V

_BJ:_ Give me a V!

 _Delia:_ V!

 _BJ:_ Give me an O!

 _Delia:_ O!

 _BJ:_ Give me an R!

 _Delia:_ R!

 _Lydia:_ I don't like where this is going


	75. Love

_Lydia:_ I feel so loved here that I'm scared that the love will just stop one day

**_OR_ **

_BJ:_ I feel so loved here that I'm scared that the love will just stop one day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It works for both of them


	76. Married

_BJ, to Adam:_ You being married doesn't change the fact that I love you


	77. That's Deep

_Skye:_ What's your biggest fear?

 _Lydia:_ Being forgotten

 _Skye:_ Damn, that's deep

 _Skye:_ Mine is the Kool-Aid man, but I feel kinda stupid about it now


	78. Wrong Feet

_Adam:_ Your shoes are on the wrong feet

_Delia:_

_Delia:_ I don't have any other feet...

 _Adam:_ Fair enough


	79. Tomatoes

_Adam:_ "Knowledge" is knowing that a tomato is a fruit

 _Adam:_ "Wisdom" is not putting it in a fruit salad

 _Delia:_ That was deep

 _BJ:_ "Philosophy" is wondering if that means that ketchup is a smoothie

 _Otho:_ That was deeper

 _Lydia:_ "Common sense" is knowing that ketchup isn't a damn smoothie, you freaks


	80. In The Distance

_Lydia:_ What's that? Off in the distance? Could it be? But it is!

 _Lydia:_ My last fuck, disappearing over the horizon! Be free, old friend. Be free!

 _Charles:_ I literally just asked you to try and be nice to Delia


	81. Assert Their Dominance

_Charles:_ Why were there just three inflatable bounce houses delivered here?

 _Delia, remembering that she gave Lydia her credit card for school shopping:_ Oh shit


	82. Hug

_Lydia:_ I could really go for a hug right now

 _BJ:_ Hey-

 _Lydia:_ Not you


	83. Work

_BJ:_ Our work here is done

 _Adam:_ "Our work?"

 _Adam:_ You spent the whole time playing with a piece of ribbon


	84. Floor

_Barbara:_ Why are you on the floor?

 _BJ:_ I'm depressed

_Barbara:_

_BJ:_ Also, I was stabbed. Can you get Lydia?


	85. With Salt

_Adam:_ I wish you could just admit that you've made a mistake

 _BJ, stirring his tea and gritting his teeth:_ I told you, I like it with salt


	86. Gatorade

_Hayley:_ This is really good, what tea is it?

 _Lydia:_ I just boiled some Gatorade

_Hayley:_

_Hayley:_ I shouldn't be surprised at this point


	87. Raise

_BJ:_ If you like me, raise your hand

 _Barbara:_ What do we do if we don't like you?

 _BJ:_ Raise your standards


	88. Idiot

_BJ:_ I'm such an idiot

_Lydia:_

_Bj:_

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ If you're waiting for me to disagree, it's gonna be a long night


	89. One More Day To Live

_Adam:_ If you found out that you only have one more day to live, what would you do?

 _Delia:_ I'd say goodbye and mend my friendships

 _BJ:_ Something illegal

 _Charles:_ Accept my fate, I guess

 _Lydia:_ I'd message ten people saying that if they don't forward the text to ten others, I'd die tomorrow

 _Hayley:_ That's fucking awesome 


	90. Nervous System

_Lydia:_ I don't have a nervous system

 _Lydia:_ I AM a nervous system


	91. Hot Chocolate

_Lydia:_ In 2020, we start oppressing people who like their hot chocolate with water

 _Lydia:_ If you're lactose intolerant, you can stay, but you're on thin fucking ice

 _BJ:_ I eat the powder straight from the pack

 _Delia:_ Hey, do you know how horrible what you just said was?


	92. Human Skull

_Hayley:_ I'm gonna need a human skull and you can't ask any questions

 _Lydia:_ Alright, only if you don't ask any either

_Lydia: *Pulls out seven pristine human skulls*_

_Lydia:_ Take your pick

_Hayley:_

_Hayley:_ This one's fine


	93. Multitasking

_Adam:_ What are you doing?

 _Lydia, spreading toothpaste on toast, clearly sleep-deprived:_ I'm multitasking


	94. Full Of Yourself

_BJ, sighing:_ Dounts. You always listen to me

 _BJ, glaring at one donut:_ Except for you, Jelly

 _BJ:_ You're always so full of yourself


	95. Bad News

_Adam:_ Barbara, I have bad news

 _Barbara:_ There is no good news or bad news, Adam. There is only news

 _Adam:_ Beetlejuice is back!

_Barbara:_

_Barbara:_ That is bad news...


	96. Stupid

_Lydia:_ Everything that comes out of your mouth is stupid!

 _BJ:_ Lydia!

_Lydia:_

_Lydia, tearfully:_ Rude...


	97. Correcting

_BJ:_ Stop correcting me all the time!

 _Barbara:_ Then stop being wrong all the time


	98. A Word

_Charles:_ Lydia, a word

 _Lydia:_ Oooh, someone's in trouble

_Charles:_

_Delia:_

_Adam:_

_Barbara:_

_Lydia:_ It's me. I don't know why I did that...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BJ's not included because he would never stay quiet


	99. All You Can Eat

_BJ:_ Ugh, why did I eat so much?

 _Lydia:_ Because the sign said "All you can eat" and you took that as a challenge


	100. Time

_Lydia:_ I'm going to bed

 _Delia:_ Are you okay? It's noon

 _Lydia:_ Time isn't real


	101. Attitude

_Lydia:_ Nothing ever dampens your spirit, huh Delia?

 _Delia:_ Your bullshit attitude is starting to


	102. Like Us?

**_(At Breakfast One Day)_ **

_Adam, reading on his phone:_ Hey, BJ, what are friends with benefits?

 _BJ, uncomfortably:_ Like... really close and special friends

 _Adam:_ Oh, like us?

_Lydia: *Chokes on her coffee*_


	103. Crisis

_Barbara:_ Everybody seems to be having a midlife crisis at sixteen

 _Lydia:_ Since I don't know which part of my life is the middle, I've decided to have an ongoing crisis 


	104. Detention

_Charles:_ Of all things you did, you got detention

 _Lydia:_ Oh, come on dad, everyone gets detention sometime in their life

 _Charles:_ Well, yes, but not on the first day of school


	105. Buddy

_BJ:_ Come on buddy, don't pout

 _Lydia:_ I am not your buddy

 _Delia:_ Why not? I thought he was

 _Lydia:_ Not anymore

 _Lydia:_ He pulled two draw fours on me when I was about to win Uno


	106. Compliment

_Adam:_ I take that as a compliment

 _BJ:_ I must have said it wrong


	107. Wine

_Delia:_ I am not having a glass of wine

 _Delia:_ I am having six

_Charles:_

_Delia:_ It's called tasting and it's classy


	108. Freezer

_Delia:_ Honey? Why is my underwear in the freezer?

 _Charles:_ You said "This is gonna confuse me so much tomorrow" 

_Charles:_ Apparently, drunk you plays pranks on hungover you

 _Delia:_ That explains so much


	109. Buzz Buzz

_Lydia:_ Adam, is that a hickey?

 _Adam:_ N-No, it's a mosquito bite!

 _BJ, floating into the room:_ Buzz Buzz


	110. God?

_Lydia, on the roof: *Sneezes*_

_BJ, around the corner:_ Bless you

 _Lydia, in utter panic:_ GOD?


	111. Rose Quartz

_BJ, taking Delia's voice:_ Hello, I am no longer depressed because I shoved an entire rose quartz up my ass. Thank you for coming to my TED talk


	112. For You

_Lydia, handing BJ a box:_ For you

_Box: *Anti-Horny Tablets*_

_BJ:_ Fuck you!

 _BJ:_ Wait, where the fuck did you get these?

 _Lydia:_ That's a secret I'll never tell

_Lydia: *Runs out of the room*_


	113. Mom

_Lydia:_ Fuck your mom

 _BJ:_ Why would I fuck my mom when I have yours?

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ She's dead


	114. Last Of Me

_Lydia, coming back from the Netherworld:_ Surprise bitch, I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me


	115. Facebook

_Lydia: *Playing Subway Surfers*_

_Subway Surfers:_ Lonely? Connect with Facebook Friends!

 _Lydia, tearfully:_ I don't HAVE ANY!


	116. Orange

_BJ: *Crushes orange in his fist*_

_Lydia:_ Annoying orange is dead. No more funny

 _Delia:_ Guys, it's three in the morning, please go to bed


	117. Harmonica

_Lydia:_ Life Tip

 _Lydia:_ Spice up your panic attack with a harmonica

**_Later_ **

_From Lydia's Bedroom: *Aggressive harmonica sounds*_


	118. Dyslexia

_BJ:_ I have sexdaily...

_Lydia:_

_Adam:_

_Barbara:_

_Delia:_

_Charles:_

_BJ:_ Sorry, I mean dyslexia


	119. Iron-

_BJ:_ It's ironic

 _Lydia:_ No, it's iron deficiency 


	120. Antidepressants

_Lydia:_ Better rev up those antidepressants

 _Lydia:_ Because I sure am ready to fucking kill myself

 _Delia:_ Lydia, no


	121. Trouble Maker

_BJ:_ Are you implying that I'm a trouble maker?

 _Charles:_ No

 _Charles:_ I am outright stating it


	122. Traffic

_Hayley:_ I was thinking that we could go for a nice walk today

 _Lydia:_ And then see who can run into traffic without getting hit first!


	123. Chicken Nuggets

_BJ:_ Hey Lyds, how much money do you have?

 _Lydia:_ Like, 69 cents

 _BJ:_ Ha, you know what that means

 _Lydia, crying:_ I don't have enough money for chicken nuggets


	124. Weird Favour

_Lydia:_ Can you do me a weird favour without asking any questions?

 _BJ:_ Isn't that the bedrock upon which our friendship was founded?


	125. Smiling

_Barbara:_ You're smiling

 _Barbara:_ Did something good happen?

 _Lydia:_ Can't I smile because I feel like it?

 _Adam, entering the room:_ BJ just fell down the stairs


	126. What

_Adam:_ Are you straight or gay or bi or what?

 _BJ:_ I'm definitely what


	127. Taken

_Charles:_ Are you taken?

 _Delia:_ Yeah, for granted


	128. To The Ground

_Adam:_ Jumping out of helicopters is dangerous! You know, they say one in five people don't even make it to the ground

 _Lydia, panicking:_ What do you mean they don't make it to the ground? Where do they go?


	129. Arachnophobic

_Lydia:_ What's your biggest fear?

 _Delia:_ I'm extremely arachnophobic

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ You don't want spiders to get married?


	130. Pizza

_Lydia:_ There is no "I" in "Team" but there is one in "Pizza"

 _Charles:_ So you're not going to share?

 _Lydia:_ I am not going to share


	131. No One Helps

_Lydia:_ Why is Delia putting the dishes away so loudly?

 _Charles:_ To let us know that no one helps out around the house


	132. Fun Best Friend

_BJ:_ Look at you, always working! What happened to my fun best friend?

 _Lydia, trying to do homework:_ Fun? I was never fun, take that back


	133. Existence

_Lydia:_ Your existence is confusing

 _BJ:_ How so?

 _Lydia:_ Your presence is annoying, but the thought of anything bad happening to you upsets me


	134. Hard To Get

_BJ, to Adam:_ You play hard to get

 _BJ:_ I play hard to get rid of


	135. Birthday

_BJ:_ Can we have birthday cake?

 _Juno:_ It's not your birthday

 _BJ:_ Yes it is

_Juno:_

_Juno:_ I know that, I was just playing

_Juno: *Swiftly leaves the room*_


	136. Every Part

_Lydia:_ Hey Adam, have you seen BJ?

 _Adam:_ Yeah, every part of him

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ Not what I meant


	137. Totally Straight

_Charles:_ I need you guys to be totally straight with me

_Lydia:_

_BJ:_

_Adam:_

_Delia:_

_Barbara:_

_Hayley:_

_Otho:_

_Skye:_ Mr Deetz, I don't think that's ever going to happen here


	138. Cupcakes

_Barbara:_ So, how many cupcakes are you making?

 _Delia:_ Until I'm not stress baking anymore

 _Lydia, icing the cupcakes:_ So, at least seven or so dozen


	139. Package

_BJ:_ It's a package from my mother

 _Charles:_ What is it?

 _BJ:_ It's heavy...

 _BJ:_ Must be her hopes and expectations for me


	140. Blood Type

_Lydia:_ My blood type is O negative

 _Delia:_ Aw, don't say that! I'm sure that if you try hard enough, you can be an O positive!

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ Do you have any idea how blood types work?

 _Delia:_ Nope!


	141. Spiders

_BJ:_ Spiders eat their parents all the time and no one cares when they do it, so what the fuck?

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ Did you eat your parents?

 _BJ:_ How about you mind your own business 


	142. Peace

_Charles, alone in his office after work:_ Finally, a bit of peace and quiet

 _BJ, morphing through the floor:_ Bitch, you thought


	143. Are You Mad?

_Barbara:_ Are you mad?

 _BJ:_ No

 _Barbara:_ So, burning the coffee table at two in the morning is just a hobby?


	144. No

_Charles:_ Are you okay?

 _Delia:_ No

_Delia: *Dabs sadly*_


	145. In Pain

**_(After "Creepy Old Guy")_ **

_Barbara:_ You're not in any pain, are you?

 _Lydia:_ Barbara, I'm fine

 _Lydia:_ I mean, I'm physically fine, but emotionally I've lost all grip on reality and I'm not sure what just happened


	146. Audacity

_BJ:_ What's the first thing you notice when a man approaches you?

 _Miss Argentina:_ The audacity


	147. Eat

_Lydia:_ How can you just eat when there's a dead guy laying there?

_BJ:_ What, is it rude? Am I supposed to share?


	148. Stupid Questions

_Lydia:_ What's your favourite colour?

 _BJ:_ Stop asking stupid questions, ask me something logical and mature

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ How many moles of sodium bicarbonate are needed to neutralize 0.8ml of sulfuric acid at STP?

_BJ:_

_BJ:_ My favourite colour is green


	149. Are You Ready?

_BJ:_ Are you ready?

 _Lydia:_ No, not really

_BJ: *Smacks her on the head*_

_BJ:_ How about now?

 _Lydia:_ You fucking asshole...


	150. Scarred

_Lydia:_ I think those poor folks are forever scarred, BJ

 _BJ:_ Then our work is done here, Lyds


	151. Blown Up

_Delia:_ Don't be so pessimistic, it'll affect team morale

 _Lydia:_ And what, getting us blown up won't?

 _Delia:_ Only very, very briefly


	152. Kill You

_BJ:_ I could kill you if I wanted to

 _Lydia:_ Yeah? So could any of the other asshole in Connecticut

 _Lydia:_ I bet even one of the stray dogs in town could

 _Lydia:_ Maybe even a very dedicated duck

_BJ:_

_Lydia:_ You aren't special 


	153. Everyone?

_Barbara:_ This is so frustrating. I hate everything and everyone!

 _Skye, voice cracking:_ Everyone?

 _Barbara, sighing:_ Everyone but you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Skye is Adam and Barbara's child, I don't make the rules


	154. Three Words

_Charles, about to leave for a business trip:_ Now, I just need to hear you say those three words

 _Lydia:_ I love you?

 _Charles:_ Try again

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ I will behave


	155. A Couple Of Seconds

_Juno:_ You were alive?

 _BJ:_ Only for a couple of seconds, It's not that big of a deal

 _Juno:_ But you were alive!

 _BJ:_ It's not that big of a deal, mom


	156. Make Daddy Proud

_Charles, to Lydia:_ It's time to make daddy proud

 _Delia:_ Yes, sir

 _Charles:_ I could not have more clearly been talking to my daughter


	157. Poor Relationship

_BJ, to Lydia when they first met:_ You walk like someone who has a poor relationship with her father


	158. Like It's Hard?

_Hayley, confused:_ Wait, you summoned an actual demon?

 _Lydia:_ What, like it's hard?


	159. Handsome

_BJ:_ I was once arrested for being too handsome

 _Lydia:_ The charges were dropped immediately due to no supporting evidence

 _BJ:_ Listen here, you little bitch-


	160. Looking Down

_BJ:_ I feel like you're looking down on me

 _Lydia:_ Have you ever thought it's because you're so short?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BJ is like, 5'5" and Lydia is 5'7"   
> She is so cocky with those 2"


	161. Cat Videos

_Delia:_ Why do you go to sleep so late?

 _Lydia, staring ahead blankly:_ There is no rest for the wicked

_Delia:_

_Lydia:_

_BJ:_ Cat videos. She stays up late to watch cat videos


	162. Bad Childhood

_BJ:_ I had a bad childhood

 _Lydia:_ I know

 _BJ:_ What do you mean you know?

 _Lydia:_ Look at you

 _BJ:_ What do you mean look at me?

 _Lydia:_ Look at how you stand. People who had good childhoods don't stand like that


	163. Batman

_Lydia, trying to convince her dad to move back to New York:_ The city needs me!

 _Charles, sipping his coffee and reading the newspaper:_ Alright, take it easy, Batman


	164. Porn

_Lydia:_ What are you looking at?

_BJ: *Taking a Buzzfeed Quiz to find out what kind of scented candle he is*_

_BJ:_ Porn


	165. Yee To My Haw

_Lydia:_ Will you be the Yee to my Haw?

 _Hayley:_ I'm begging you to stop


	166. Emotions

_Lydia:_ How does one turn off their emotions?

 _Delia:_ Okay, first go into settings

_Lydia:_

_Delia:_ I'm an idiot, I thought you said emojis

 _Lydia:_ No, I'm still willing to try this, go ahead. I'm at settings, what do I do next?


	167. Snacks

_Lydia:_ We've got no snacks left in the kitchen

 _BJ, gesturing to himself:_ Umm, excuse me?

 _Lydia:_ Gross


	168. Cupcake

_Barbara:_ You have no idea what I'm capable of!

 _BJ:_ Don't take it personally, but I feel like I'm being threatened by a cupcake


	169. Moon Landing

_Lydia:_ You know the moon landing was fake, right?

 _Delia, scoffing:_ You think the moon is real?


	170. Turn On

_Adam:_ Sometimes girls turn on other girls way to easily

 _Lydia:_ My gay ass did not hear that correctly

 _Barbara, with a spray bottle:_ You are a child, no!

_Barbara: *Sprays Lydia*_


	171. Coca-Cola

_BJ:_ Please stop making new flavours of Coca-Cola

 _BJ:_ Either put the cocaine back or leave it alone


	172. Banana

_Lydia, high after BJ gave her weed:_ Why am I not a banana?

 _Hayley, the only sober one:_ Because your genetic code dictates that you are a human

_Lydia:_

_Hayley:_ However, it should please you to know that you share fifty to sixty percent of your DNA with a banana

 _Lydia:_ Thanks, Hayley

 _BJ, also high:_ Are you telling me that some people are ten percent more banana than other people?


	173. Witchcraft

_Lydia:_ My aesthetic is "Would be suspected of witchcraft by small-town citizens" 


	174. Bees?

_BJ:_ Welcome to Applebee's! Would you like apples or bees?

 _Skye:_ B-Bees?

 _BJ:_ SHE HAS CHOSEN THE BEES!

_Lydia: *Frantically shakes a jar of bees*_


	175. No Yelling

_Juno:_ Every time I yell at Beetlejuice, I put a quarter in my "No yelling" sock and pretty soon, I'll have a weapon to beat him with


	176. Short

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't in the Incorrect universe, this is in the Canon universe
> 
> Yes, this is my own universe, fight me

_Delia:_ Wow, you're violent

 _Lydia:_ Yeah, but I'm short, so it's adorable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the musical, Lydia is like... 5'1" at the most  
> She tiny :)


	177. Trick Or Bear

_Lydia:_ Trick or bear?

 _Delia:_ Bear...?

 _Lydia:_ SHE CHOSE THE BEAR!

_Bear: *Distant roaring*_

_Delia:_ Wait, what's the trick?

 _BJ:_ The trick is ALSO THE BEAR!


	178. Disappointed

_Delia, to Lydia:_ We're not mad, just disappointed

 _Charles:_ Speak for yourself, I am fucking pissed!


	179. Spaghetti-O's

_Delia:_ So, how's school going?

 _Lydia:_ I wake up every morning, but I feel dead inside

 _Delia:_ Oh, uh-oh, spaghetti-o's...


	180. Hot Chocolate With...

_BJ:_ Yes, I'm too good for hot chocolate made with water


	181. Forest Fires

_Delia:_ This morning, let's discuss how to prevent forest fires

 _Lydia:_ Prevent them?

_Lydia: *Strikes a match*_


	182. Why Are You Dressed Like That?

_Skye:_ Why are you dressed like that?

 _Lydia:_ Like what?

 _Skye:_ Like you're going to a funeral

 _Skye:_ Why are you dressed like somebody died?

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ Wait

_Skye: *Swiftly walks away*_


	183. Real Girl Scouts

_Skye:_ I'll buy a cup if you buy a box of my delicious girl scout cookies

 _Skye:_ Do we have a deal?

 _Lydia:_ Are they made from real girl scouts?

_Skye:_

_Lydia:_

_BJ:_

_Lydia:_

_Skye:_

_Skye: *Runs away*_


	184. Halloween Costumes

_Delia, dressed as a princess:_ What are you darling? Where's your costume?

 _Lydia:_ This is my costume, I'm a homicidal maniac, they look just like everyone else

_Delia:_

_Delia: *Awkward smile*_


	185. Homicide

_BJ:_ Lydia is at that very special age when a girl has only one thing on her mind

 _Barbara:_ Girls?

 _Lydia:_ Homicide


	186. Stop It

_Adam, trying to get Lydia to watch a soft film:_ Bambi!

 _Barbara:_ Lassie Come Home!

 _Adam:_ The Little Mermaid!

 _Lydia:_ Stop it


	187. Being Privileged

_Delia:_ We're all here to learn, to grow and to just plain have fun!

 _Otho:_ Because that's what being privilege is all about!

_The Maitlands and Charles: *Clapping*_

_Lydia: *Puts a bottle of poison to her mouth*_


	188. Bathing Suit

_BJ:_ Is that your bathing suit?

 _Lydia:_ Is that your overbite?


	189. All Your Life

_School Teacher:_ Now, one of you will be the drowning victim and the other one gets to be our lifesaver!

 _Claire:_ I'll be the victim!

 _Lydia:_ All your life


	190. Salt

_Lydia:_ May I have the salt?

_BJ: *Picks up the salt*_

_Delia:_ What do we say?

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, these last ten quotes were from The Addams Family, fight me


	191. My Worst

_Lydia:_ If you can't handle me at my worst, just remember that I handle me at my worst and that makes me stronger than you

 _BJ:_ You-


	192. Average Pineapple

_Lydia:_ Your average pineapple, once peeled and cut, makes about 4.5 cups or 36 ounces of pineapple chunks

 _Lydia:_ Cans of pineapple come in a variety of sizes, the most common being 20oz and 46oz

 _Lydia:_ Meaning a single pineapple generally won't fill up a single can perfectly, which also means every time you eat pineapple from a can someone else has the can that has the rest of the same pineapple

 _Lydia:_ That means you can share a single fruit with a stranger hundreds of miles away and I think that's beautiful

 _Barbara:_ How much sleep are you getting?

 _Lydia:_ Not enough


	193. Come In

_Adam:_ Okay, I've got a joke for you, kid

 _Adam:_ Knock knock

 _Lydia:_ Come in

_Adam:_

_Lydia:_

_Adam:_

_Adam: *Disappointed eyes*_


	194. Just Like You

_Lydia:_ I'm just like you

 _Wednesday:_ I think that's true

 _Lydia:_ You're just like me

 _Wednesday:_ Yes, I can see


	195. Save Time

_BJ:_ To save time, don't cook meat, just eat it then light yourself on fire

 _Adam:_ Don't do that!

 _Lydia:_ Great advice

 _Barbara:_ NO, IT'S NOT!


	196. Study Method

_Delia:_ What's your preferred study method?

 _Lydia:_ Coffee and tears


	197. Boner

_Barbara: *Gives BJ a cake*_

_Cake: *Sorry you didn't get a boner*_

_BJ:_ I-


	198. Mint Ice Cream

_BJ:_ Ugh, mint ice cream. I hate it

 _Charles:_ Why do you hate mint ice cream?

 _BJ:_ If you think I'm going to eat frozen toothpaste, you're wrong

_Charles:_

_Charles:_ This forces me to believe that you have never had mint ice cream or never brushed your teeth


	199. Dead To Me

_Lydia:_ There's absolutely nothing that can dent our impenetrable bond

 _BJ:_ I've been stealing Oreos from your secret stash

 _Lydia:_ You're dead to me


	200. Let You Down

_Lydia, at her mother's grave alone:_ All these voices in my head get loud

 _Lydia:_ And I wish that I could shut them out

 _Lydia:_ I'm sorry that I let you down

 _Lydia:_ That I let you-

_Lydia: *Sobbing*_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :|


	201. Rice

_Lydia:_ I think my hand is broken

 _BJ:_ Did you try putting it in rice?


	202. Little Note

_Barbara:_ I put a little note in your bag to tell you that I love you

_Lydia: *Opens bag*_

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ This is a ten-page letter


	203. Love You

_Lydia:_ Ask me why I love you

 _Hayley, confused:_ Why do you love me, Lyds...

_Lydia: *Pulls up a 200 slide PowerPoint on her laptop*_

_Lydia:_ I'm glad you asked


	204. February 14th

_BJ:_ Do you have a date for Valentine's day?

 _Adam:_ Yes, February 14th

_BJ:_

_BJ:_ You know what, nevermind...


	205. A Game

_Lydia:_ Being gay isn't a choice

 _Lydia, grabbing Hayley's hand like it's a trophy:_ It's a game and I'm winning


	206. Stop Thinking

_Barbara:_ Whatever you're thinking right now, stop it

 _BJ:_ What are you talking about?

 _Barbara:_ You always make that face before saying something that pisses me off so, cut it ou-

 _BJ:_ I love you

_Barbara:_

_BJ:_ And, also cereal qualifies as soup

 _Barbara:_ I KNEW IT!


	207. Friday The 13th

_BJ:_ Aw man, we were so close to having Valentine's day on Friday the 13th

 _Delia:_ Well, there's always next year, right?

 _Lydia:_ No, I'm pretty sure you'd have to wait seven years or something like that, one for each day of the week

_Charles:_

_Charles:_ Sometimes, I hope you guys are just saying these things to mess with me, because holy hell...


	208. Responsible

_Lydia:_ I'm responsible for my own happiness?

 _Lydia:_ I can't even be responsible for my own breakfast!


	209. Spoons

_Lydia: *Staring at a spoon*_

_Delia:_ Why are you looking at a spoon like that?

 _Lydia:_ Well

 _Lydia:_ Haven't you ever thought that spoons are just tiny bowls on sticks

 _Delia:_ Not again...


	210. Fan Of Romance

_Lydia:_ I've never been a fan of romance

_BJ: *Rolls his eyes*_

_Lydia:_ What?

 _BJ:_ Last week, Hayley brought you a single rose, which was also dead, and you cried in front of all of us

 _Lydia:_ THAT DOESN'T COUNT!


	211. Popcorn

_Lydia:_ My bedroom smells like popcorn and teen angst


	212. Grown Soft

_Lydia:_ Normally, I drink my coffee black as the bitterness gives me strength but, recently I tried it with milk

 _Lydia:_ ...And I liked it

 _Lydia:_ Maybe next time, I'll add a bit of sugar or whipped cream

 _Lydia:_ ... I worry that I have grown soft


	213. Attention

_BJ: *Sighs dramatically*_

_Lydia: *Reading a book*_

_BJ: *Sighs louder*_

_Lydia: *Ignores him*_

_BJ: *Screams*_

_Lydia, not looking up from the book:_ What do you want

 _BJ:_ Attention


	214. Aw Man

_Miss Argentina:_ I like how we say "Aw Man" when things are disappointing

 _Miss Argentina:_ Because men are disappointing 


	215. Hobby

_Delia:_ You need to find a hobby

 _Lydia:_ I have a hobby!

 _Delia:_ Being sad isn't a hobby


	216. Animals

_Barbara:_ I love animals

 _BJ, hopefully:_ Well, everyone does say that I'm a bitch


	217. Circus Music

_Claire: *Walks past Lydia and Hayley at school*_

_Hayley:_ God, even her walk is dumb

 _Lydia:_ Every time I see her, I hear fucking circus music


	218. Get Up?

_BJ:_ If your spouse remarried after you die, would you be okay with that?

 _Emily:_ The fuck am I gonna do? 

_Emily:_ Get up?


	219. Cry

_Delia:_ He made BJ cry!

 _Lydia:_ BJ always cries!

 _BJ, crying:_ That's not true!


	220. Bagel

_Lydia:_ This doesn't have to be a big deal

 _Lydia:_ Whoever ate my bagel, just come forward and all will be forgiven

_Charles:_

_Delia:_

_BJ:_

_Adam:_

_Barbara:_

_Lydia:_ Smart, you knew I'd never forgive you


	221. Alphabet

_Lydia:_ What's your favourite colour of the alphabet?

 _Delia:_ Lydia, stop that

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ I didn't actually realise that I messed up what I meant to say...


	222. Vampire

_BJ:_ Dating a vampire is all fun and games until you want to cuddle, but that bitch is sleeping upside down on the ceiling like a bat

 _Lydia:_ You dated a vampire? 

_BJ:_ That's a story for another day, babes


	223. Back Pocket

_Adam:_ Hey, will you get something from my back pocket for me?

 _BJ:_ What am I getting out of this?

 _Adam:_ A chance to touch my butt

_BJ:_

_BJ:_ Deal


	224. Fuckable?

_BJ:_ Oh, what's this?

 _BJ:_ Something fuckable?


	225. Snake Bite

_Lydia, typing:_ Snake bit leg what to do

 _Google:_ Elevate and apply pressure

 _Lydia, lifting the snake:_ Apologize or else


	226. For?

_Charles:_ I need you

 _Delia:_ For?

 _Charles, getting down on one knee:_ Ever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this not basically how that scene goes?


	227. Bullshit!

_Lydia: *Gets a concussion*_

_Charles:_ What did you do?

 _BJ:_ Alright, but you can't get mad at me

 _Charles:_ What did you do?

 _BJ:_ Okay, first, I was minding my own business 

_Charles, slamming his hand down on the table:_ BULLSHIT!

 _BJ:_ I WAS!


	228. In Love

_Lydia, after meeting Hayley:_ I don't know what's wrong with me

 _Lydia:_ I can't eat, I can't sleep... maybe I'm coming down with something

 _Adam:_ Oh, oh, oh! I know what you've got. The L-Word

 _BJ:_ Yeah, laryngitis

 _Adam:_ No, BJ, no, it's four letters. Starts with 'L' and ends with 'E'

_BJ:_

_BJ:_ Aha, lice!

 _Adam:_ No! Lydia is in love, you swine!


	229. Coffee

_Barbara:_ Lydia, why are you up at three in the morning?

 _Lydia:_ I've had six cups of coffee

 _Barbara:_ Why would you do that?

 _Lydia:_ Today was done with me but I was not done with today


	230. Be Free

_Lydia, taping a knife to a Roomba and setting it loose:_ Be free, my child

 _Charles, entering the room with a cut on his ankle:_ Who the f-


	231. Half Empty

_Lydia:_ The glass is half empty

 _Delia:_ I think the glass is half full

 _Lydia:_ I think you're full of shit


	232. Not Really

_Lydia, trying to do homework but BJ is pestering her:_ Don't you have something better to do?

 _BJ, making her pens float above her:_ Not really, no


	233. Crap

**_(In Class)_ **

_Hayley:_ Ugh, I hardly slept last night

 _Claire:_ When you can't sleep, it means that someone is thinking about you

 _Hayley:_ Who would be thinking about me at three in the morning?

 _Lydia, sitting at the back of the class and listening in to the conversation:_ Crap


	234. Cheetos

_Delia, frantically:_ Why would you fill the first aid kit with Cheetos?

 _Lydia, bleeding to death:_ BJ and I thought it was funny at the time


	235. Nose

**_(In A Group-Chat)_ **

_Barbara:_ Nose

 _Barbara:_ I just typed nose with my nose

 _BJ:_ Massive dick

_BJ: *Gets kicked from the chat permanently*_


	236. Limit

_Charles, reading the newspaper:_ A man was paralyzed after eating 413 chicken nuggets

 _Lydia:_ So the limit is 412


	237. Roomba

_Adam:_ I just heard Lydia shouting, "Does anyone know where my Roomba is?" and then, two minutes later, more quietly, "Aww, poor Roomba, how'd you get stuck there sweetie?"


	238. I was

_BJ:_ Sorry, I was being sort of a dick

 _Delia:_ We weren't going to say it

 _Lydia:_ I was


	239. Angry

_BJ:_ When you're angry, close your eyes and count to ten

 _BJ:_ Throw a punch at eight, nobody expects that


	240. Medicine

_Barbara:_ Drink the medicine!

 _Lydia:_ No, never. I'd rather throw up again, at least that would taste better!

 _Barbara:_ It'll make you healthy again!

 _Lydia:_ I'll get healthy using my dumbass energy!

 _Barbara:_ Oh my God, you devil child, just drink it!

 _Lydia:_ Say no to drugs kids!


	241. Human

**_(After "Ready Set, Not Yet)_ **

_Adam:_ You are the worst human I've ever met

 _BJ:_ I'd be offended if I was human

_Adam:_

_Barbara:_

_BJ:_

_Adam:_ What?

 _BJ:_ What?


	242. Little Things

_Adam:_ You've got to appreciate the little things in life

_The entire Deetz-Maitland household: *Hugs BJ*_


	243. Present

_BJ:_ I believe the words you're looking for are "Sorry BJ"

 _Charles:_ The words I'm searching for, I can't say because my daughter is present


	244. Marshmallow

_Skye:_ I made a marshmallow Lydia, see? Her arms are crossed because she's mad at marshmallow Skye for annoying her... You like it?

 _Lydia, trying not to cry:_ It's fine


	245. Keeps Me Young

_Skye:_ You're very cruel

 _BJ:_ Yes, it's what keeps me young


	246. Your Daughter

_Toddler Lydia:_ Mama, Daddy! Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up!

 _Charles:_ Your daughter's awake

 _Emily:_ Before sunrise. She's your daughter


	247. Don't Swear

_Lydia, while babysitting Skye:_ Oh shit

 _Barbara:_ Lydia, don't swear around Skye

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ Mama Mia, that's a spicy meatball

 _Barbara:_ You know what, just say fuck...


	248. Bromantic?

_Lydia, addressing **some certain fans** :_ Can you all please stop calling BJ and I a couple? We're just-

 _Barbara:_ IntiMATE?

 _Adam:_ Homiesexual?

 _Charles:_ Bromantic?

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ I was going to say friends, but now there's a dad joke contest...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)


	249. Friends.

_Lydia:_ You say you love me

 _BJ:_ I say you crazy

 _BJ and Lydia:_ We're nothing more than friends

 _Lydia:_ You're not my lover

 _BJ:_ More like a brother

 _BJ and Lydia:_ I known you since we were like ten, yeah

 _BJ and Lydia, to **some certain fans** :_ Don't mess it up, talking that shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was literally a TikTok, but okay :)


	250. Ice Cubes

_BJ: *Knocks over his breakfast*_

_BJ:_ Aw man, all the ice cubes spilled out of my cereal


	251. Stress

_Barbara:_ You look stressed

 _Lydia:_ Thanks, it's the stress


	252. Pinocchio

_Lydia:_ If Pinocchio said his nose grew whenever he told the truth, no one would know he's lying

 _Hayley:_ Lydia, it's midnight, go to sleep before I strangle you


	253. McWine

_Delia:_ Can I get a glass of wine, please?

 _Charles:_ Delia, this is McDonalds

 _Delia:_ Oh, I'm sorry...

 _Delia:_ Can I get a McWine, please?


	254. Come Out Right

_BJ:_ Ha, Adam sneezes like a girl!

 _Adam:_ And how about I pound you like a boy!

_BJ:_

_BJ:_ Okay, we can both agree that didn't come out right, but I won't refuse either way


	255. Weather Boy

_BJ:_ So, what's the best kind of firework to buy?

 _Hayley:_ Wouldn't you like to know, weather boy

_BJ:_

_BJ:_ Where are your parents?


	256. Normal People

_Wednesday:_ You are supposed to bang your fist up against mine

 _Lydia:_ Why?

 _Wednesday:_ I'm told by Parker that it is a widely accepted gesture for mutual success

 _Delia:_ I love it when you two impersonate normal people


	257. Chores

_Lydia:_ I'm done with my chores

 _Charles:_ You did them?

 _Lydia:_ That's not what I said


	258. Moving Car

_Charles:_ Lydia would throw herself in front of a moving car for you

 _Hayley:_ Lydia would throw herself in front of a moving car for fun


	259. Crunch

_BJ:_ That's why I looooove... Nestle CRUNCH!

_BJ: *Breaks his neck*_


	260. Heritage

_BJ:_ Flirting is part of my heritage

 _Barbara:_ What does that mean?

 _Lydia:_ It means that his mother was a slut, too


	261. The P Word

_Barbara:_ If you want something bad, you've got to work for it. It's time to break out the "P" word

 _Lydia:_ Paul Blart: Mall Cop?

 _Barbara:_ No, the other "P" word

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2?

 _Barbara:_ Jesus fucking Christ...


	262. Pretty One

_Wednesday, about BJ:_ Friend of yours?

 _Lydia:_ Brother, actually

 _Wednesday:_ Yes, I can see the family resemblance

 _Lydia:_ I'm the pretty one


	263. Resist Arrest

_BJ:_ It's a crime to look this good

 _Adam:_ Then I'm taking you in

 _BJ:_ It's just a figure of speech

 _Adam:_ Do not resist arrest


	264. Proof

_Barbara:_ Skye is constant proof that the gods love us and love to see us happy


	265. Nerd

_Lydia:_ If I wore a shirt inside out, the entire universe would be wearing the shirt except me

 _Adam:_ Congratulations, you just explained Gödel's theorem in a single sentence

 _BJ, from a distance:_ NERD!


	266. Melted

_Charles:_ Where did BJ go?

 _Lydia:_ It's raining outside, maybe he melted


	267. Forty-Five Seconds

_Lydia:_ Sometimes I feel okay and then I'm like "Oh, that was a nice forty-five seconds"


	268. Worse Than Dying

_Barbara:_ There's only one thing worse than dying

_Barbara: *Rips the paper away to reveal "Lydia" above dying*_

_Lydia, nodding:_ Ah, me

 _The entire Deetz-Maitland household and everyone else in this story (Apart from Juno):_ NO! 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck Juno rights!


	269. A Snack

_Lydia: *Smacks slices of bread onto both sides of BJ's head*_

_Lydia:_ What are you?

 _BJ:_ A snack

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ No


	270. Pencil

_BJ:_ Hey, do you have a pencil?

 _Lydia, handing him a pencil:_ I do...

 _Lydia, to herself:_ I didn't know he could write

 _BJ:_ Thanks

_BJ: *Eats the pencil*_

_Lydia:_ Oh no


	271. Download Films

_Barbara:_ We don't download films illegally because we are honest and hardworking people

 _Adam:_ And, we don't know how


	272. Only One?

_Barbara:_ You want to know what your problem is?

 _BJ:_ I only have one?


	273. Iron Levels

_Lydia:_ Sure, my iron levels may be shit, but can you do this?

_Lydia: *Stands up too fast and falls over*_


	274. React

_Skye: *Crying*_

_Delia:_ You need to react when people cry!

 _Lydia:_ I do, I roll my eyes


	275. Bridge

_Charles:_ If someone told you to jump off a bridge, would you?

 _BJ:_ Yes

 _Hayley:_ Yes

 _Wednesday:_ Yes

 _Skye:_ Yes

 _Lydia:_ I'd be the one to jump off first and make everyone follow after me

_Charles:_

_Charles:_ Kids, are you alright?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, look at that... Charles now has five kids


	276. Light Myself

_BJ:_ If one more person says I'm dramatic, I'm gonna light myself on fire


	277. Wanted

_BJ:_ I'm a wanted man

 _Juno:_ That's impossible, you weren't even a wanted child

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure if I should laugh or cry at this


	278. Damage Repair

_Delia:_ Are you alright?

 _Lydia:_ Of course, why?

 _Charles:_ You just asked the woman at the store if damage repair shampoo also works on emotions


	279. IQ

_Lydia:_ BJ, don't talk out loud, you lower the IQ of the whole room


	280. Want In Life

_Adam:_ What do you all want in life?

 _BJ:_ Love

 _Lydia:_ Stability

 _Delia:_ Independence

 _Charles:_ A million dollars for you all to get fucking therapy


	281. (Not A Chapter)

So, as of tonight, Sophia Anne Caruso had officially left Beetlejuice to pursue a career in TV and Film acting.

I'm gonna be honest, I'm devastated. It was probably out of her control, but just the fact that she couldn't stay till at least the Winter Garden closure date upsets me greatly. I'm looking forward to seeing what she has planned for the future, but I'm still very upset about the news. Also, considering the fact that we knew NOTHING about this until the post on her story (now deleted), I'm wondering what actually happened. Rob got an official send-off and we knew about it for a fair amount of time before he left, but with Sophia... we knew AFTER her final performance? Maybe she got told today that she had gotten whatever job she had applied for and had to start filming immediately, so she didn't get a chance to say that it was her final performance, but, of course, I know as much as any other fan. 

I hope that she's happy with the outcome of her choices and that she gets to enjoy whatever the future holds for her.

And for Beetlejuice? Well, they said that Presley is to play Lydia over this weekend until they announce the official replacement sometime next week. I guess we'll see, won't we?

Anyways, sorry for the rant (?) and you'll get your quotes back up and running tomorrow again

\- Sam


	282. The Problem Would Be Gone

_Lydia:_ All I'm gonna say is-

 _Charles:_ Lydia, no

 _Lydia:_ -if maybe, just maybe I were to-

 _Barbara:_ No

 _Lydia:_ -kill myself, the problem-

 _Adam:_ Lydia

 _Lydia:_ -would be gone

 _Delia:_ Therapy, now


	283. Power

_Lydia:_ I am no longer baby

 _Lydia:_ I want power


	284. Credit Card

_Lydia:_ The door is locked. Quick, dad, give me your credit card

 _Charles, handing her the credit card:_ Here

_Lydia: *Pockets the card*_

_Lydia:_ Cool, thanks. Now BJ, kick the door down


	285. Another Word

_Delia:_ What's another word for murder?

 _Lydia:_ Manslaughter

 _BJ:_ A hobby


	286. Handcuffs

_Lydia:_ Handcuffs fucking hurt

 _BJ, absentmindedly:_ Use silk rope next time

 _Lydia:_ I highly doubt that I can convince the police to use silk rope


	287. Babysitter

_BJ:_ Come on, you're not my babysitter

 _Lydia:_ No, I'm not

 _Lydia:_ Babysitters are paid for the shit they have to go through


	288. Kinda Shallow

_Skye:_ Would you date a guy that's shorter than you?

 _Lydia:_ No

 _Skye:_ That's kinda shallow, don't you think?

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ I'm gay, Skye


	289. Peanut

_BJ:_ I've been eating peanut M&M's in hopes that if a cannibal eats me and is allergic to peanuts, I can get my revenge

 _Barbara:_ That sentence started out so normal... 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lydia and Skye are both allergic to peanuts and tree nuts, thank you and goodnight


	290. Cold and Bland

_Charles:_ Why is the food always so cold and bland?

 _Hayley:_ Because BJ and Lydia poured their hearts and souls into it


	291. Incurable

_Lydia: *Walks in wearing a medical mask*_

_Charles:_ What are you doing?

 _Lydia:_ If BJ breathes on me, I might get ill

 _BJ:_ But I'm not even sick?

 _Lydia:_ It's a simple but incurable disease called Thot


	292. Friendship

_BJ:_ Lyds, how is our friendship?

 _Lydia:_ It's like counting the stars in the sky

 _BJ:_ That means that it's infinite, right?

 _Lydia:_ No, it's a waste of time


	293. System

_BJ:_ Okay, that's enough. No more talking about Hayley

 _Lydia:_ But, you told me to get it out of my system

 _BJ:_ I had no idea how much you had in your system!

**_Or_ **

_Lydia:_ Okay, that's enough. No more talking about the Maitlands

 _BJ:_ But, you told me to get it out of my system

 _Lydia:_ I had no idea how much you had in your system!


	294. Language

_Lydia:_ Who the fuck-

 _Charles:_ Language

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ Whom the fuck-

 _Charles:_ No


	295. Magical World

_Lydia:_ “Tea is just leaf water!” “Coffee is just bean water!”

 _Lydia:_ Wow, it’s like everything is made of things

 _Lydia:_ This door is just wood rectangle, this poster is just ink paper, this lemonade is just lemon water

 _Lydia:_ Wow, it’s like you can combine ingredients to make things that are more enjoyable than the initial parts of the equation

 _Lydia:_ Sure is a magical world we live in

 _Hayley:_ The sarcasm in this is fatal


	296. Sims

_Skye:_ I'm never playing Sims with you again after you made an underground torture chamber

 _Lydia:_ But, what else would you do to the Sims?

 _Skye:_ Take care of them!

 _Lydia:_ Unrealistic


	297. Thot

_Barbara:_ What's a thot?

 _BJ, joking:_ Oh, it's a thoughtful person

**_(Later)_ **

_Barbara:_ Thanks for helping me, Lydia, you're such a thot

 _Lydia, choking on her drink:_ I'm a WHAT?


	298. Garage

_Delia:_ Hey, what's that noise coming from the garage?

 _BJ:_ The garage? Oh man, the garage! Well, ohh-la-di-da, miss french

 _Delia:_ Well, what do you call it?

 _BJ:_ The car hole

 _BJ:_ Also, the sounds were Lyds and I making a meth lab. Don't disrupt us

 _Delia:_ Okay...

_Delia:_

_Delia:_ WAIT, WHAT?


	299. Charming and...

_Lydia:_ What can I say? I'm charming and irresponsible

 _Delia:_ You mean irresistible?

 _Lydia:_ Nope


	300. Fight

_Charles:_ Why are Lydia and Hayley sitting with their backs to each other?

 _Barbara:_ They had a fight

 _Charles:_ Then why are they holding hands?

 _Barbara:_ They get sad when they fight


	301. Rock Bottom

_Charles:_ You took advice from Beetlejuice!?

 _Lydia:_ It's called hitting rock bottom, dad!


	302. Bake Cookies

_Skye:_ So, I can either bake these cookies at 400 degrees for 10 seconds, or 4,000 degrees for 1 minute

 _Barbara:_ Skye, no, that's not how you bake cookies-

 _Hayley:_ FLOOR IT!

 _Barbara:_ NO

 _Lydia:_ How about 4,000,000 degrees for 1 second?

 _Barbara:_ YOU'RE GOING TO BURN THE HOUSE DOWN!

 _BJ:_ I AM GOING TO HARNESS THE POWER OF THE SUN TO BAKE COOKIES

 _Barbara:_ KIDS, PLEASE-


	303. Who Do You Think You Are?

_Skye: *Trips on air*_

_Skye:_ Oh, ow

 _Barbara, punching the air:_ Who do you think you are?? Who the FUCK do you think you are


	304. Fear

_Miss Argentina:_ He looked at me the way all women would want to be looked at

 _Presley:_ Awww-

 _Miss Argentina:_ With fear in his eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, ladies and gentlemen and everyone who says fuck the binary laws (aka myself)
> 
> Presley (The Jockey) has been added  
> And she's 1000000% another one of the Deetz-Maitland's children
> 
> Lydia, BJ, Hayley, Skye, Wednesday and Presley... I love it


	305. Rock Child

_Lydia, placing a rock with googly eyes on the slide:_ Down you go, rock child of mine!

_Hayley: *Catches their rock child*_

_Lydia:_ Good job, rock child!


	306. O

_BJ:_ Come on, this is stupid with two "O"'s!


	307. Stick

_BJ:_ Wow!

 _BJ:_ Just found out that you don't have to eat the stick in the middle of the ice cream!


	308. Carousel

_Wednesday:_ How much for the horse tornado?

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ That's a carousel

 _Wednesday:_ I must have it


	309. Dark Humour

_Lydia:_ I'm really into dark humour

_Presley: *Turns off the lights*_

_Presley:_ Wanna hear a joke?


	310. Sorrows

_Lydia:_ Perhaps I shall drink my sorrows away...

_Lydia: *Opens a Capri-Sun*_


	311. Common Sense

_Lydia:_ I have plenty of common sense

 _Lydia:_ I just choose to ignore it


	312. As My Mother Always Say

_BJ:_ As my mother always used to say, if a cop handcuffs you to a bike rack, there's always something you can gnaw through

 _Lydia:_ Your mother always said that?


	313. Worse

_BJ, after Lydia breaks her arm:_ Hey, I've seen worse on a living breather

 _Lydia, tearfully:_ Really?

 _BJ:_ No, you're definitely fucked


	314. DND

_Lydia:_ People who sleep with their phone on silent or DND really don't give a fuck about nobody's lives

 _Hayley:_ Look, if you decide to have a problem after midnight, that's between you and God 

_Presley:_

_Presley:_ How do you set your phone to Dungeons and Dragons?


	315. Cute

_Hayley:_ Oh, you think you're being cute?

 _Lydia:_ Bitch, I'm adorable


	316. Constructive

_BJ, looking at one of the photos Lydia took:_ Are you alright with constructive criticism? I don't wanna sound too mean

 _Lydia, sceptically:_ Go ahead, I wanna hear it

 _BJ:_ This fucking sucks

 _Lydia:_ THAT'S NOT CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM!


	317. I Apologize

_BJ:_ Aren't you gay?

 _Lydia:_ I like how you imply that I've done something heterosexual

 _Lydia:_ If so, I apologize


	318. Thanks, Dad

_Charles:_ Nice work

 _BJ:_ Thanks, Dad

_BJ:_

_BJ:_ Why is everyone staring at me?

 _Delia:_ You called Charles "Dad"

 _Lydia:_ You said "Thanks, Dad"

 _BJ:_ What? No, I didn't, I said "Thanks, man"

 _Charles:_ Do you see me as a father figure, BJ?

 _BJ:_ No! If anything, I see you as a bother figure, 'cause you're always bothering me!

 _Lydia:_ Hey, show our father some respect

_Hayley, Wednesday, Skye and Presley: *Nods of agreement*_


	319. Kissed

_BJ, to Adam and Barbara:_ I've kissed, like, a thousand people before, but nobody that I cared about

 _BJ:_ Or liked

 _BJ:_ Or thought was nice

_BJ:_

_Adam:_

_Barbara:_

_BJ:_ So, in a way, we're both starting something new!


	320. Happiness

**_(After "Creepy Old Guy")_ **

_Juno:_ I will ruin your happiness, no matter the cost!

 _Lydia:_ My happiness?

 _Lydia, to BJ:_ I'm happy?


	321. Basketball

_Presley:_ You know nothing about sports, you refer to basketball as basketsball

 _Lydia:_ Well, that's the technically-correct term, Pres

 _Lydia:_ There are two baskets 


	322. Thoughts

_BJ:_ I'm not afraid to be alone with my thoughts, my thoughts are awesome!

 _BJ:_ Die Hard 6 on a cruise ship

 _BJ:_ Pizza Bagel restaurant

 _BJ:_ My mother never loved me

 _BJ:_ I died alone

_BJ:_

_BJ:_ Oh boy, that happened fast...


	323. Surprise Me

_Lydia:_ I just want someone to take me out

 _Barbara:_ Like, on a date or with a sniper gun?

 _Lydia:_ Surprise me


	324. Treason

_Lydia:_ There's a good chance that I may have committed some...

 _Lydia:_ Light...

 _Lydia:_ Treason


	325. Shoes

_Charles:_ Has anyone seen my shoes?

 _BJ, chewing on Charles' shoes, muffled:_ No idea


	326. Feelings

_Lydia: *Kicks a door open and stands in front of a mirror*_

_Lydia:_ There's a new virus going around, it's called feelings

 _Lydia:_ Don't catch that shit

 _Lydia:_ You'll be left sitting alone on your bed until three am in the morning, crying to yourself

 _Lydia:_ As you eat popcorn dipped in ma-

 _Lydia:_ Malari-

 _Lydia:_ Marmalade-

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ Did I just say Malaria?

 _Lydia, wheezing:_ That's illegal 


	327. Back It Up

_Delia:_ If I back it up, is it fat enough?

_Delia: *Smacks her ass*_

_Delia:_ When I throw it back, is it fast enough?

 _Delia:_ If I speed it up, can you handle that?

 _Delia:_ You ain't ready for this work, now watch me throw it back!

_Delia: *Bad twerking*_

_Lydia:_ For the love of God, STOP!


	328. Once Again

_BJ, to Lydia:_ I am once again asking for you to say my name


	329. News

_Lydia: *Watches the news about everything wrong with the world so far in 2020*_

_Lydia: *Screams*_


	330. Book Abuse

_BJ: *Throws a book*_

_Lydia:_ Hey! Book abuse

_Hayley:_

_Hayley:_ Babuse

 _Wednesday:_ That's obtuse

 _Skye, grinning:_ You're a moose

 _Presley:_ And this all started because of Beetlejuice

_Charles:_

_Charles:_ I was going to stop you all, but that was really smart Presley...


	331. Cookies

_Lydia:_ WHO ATE MY COOKIES!?

 _Lydia:_ WHOEVER IT WAS, I'M GOING TO FUCKING-

 _Hayley:_ It was me-

 _Lydia:_ -Buy you some more, are you still hungry? 

_Lydia:_ Because if you are maybe we could... I don't know, go out to dinner?

_BJ: *Gagging*_


	332. Best In Me

_Lydia:_ You're a low down ruthless rat!

 _BJ:_ What can I say, Lyds? 

_BJ:_ You bring out the best in me


	333. Clone

_Wednesday:_ We should clone Presley and Skye

 _Adam:_ What? 

_Barbara:_ Why?

 _Wednesday:_ If there were a billion Presleys and Skyes, war would never happen

 _Lydia:_ All of them would just chill and eat ice cream on the floor


	334. Sleep

_Lydia:_ Isn't it weird how everyone sleeps differently?

 _Lydia:_ I sleep on my back

 _Lydia:_ People sleep on their sides

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ BJ sleeps with everyone 


	335. Gets Worse

_Delia:_ Hey kids, I know you're struggling right now but I'm here to tell you, everything gets worse forever


	336. Headache With Pictures

**_(When Lydia first met Delia)_ **

_Lydia:_ I'm having one of those things... a headache with pictures

 _Delia:_ What the fuck?

 _Charles, sighing:_ She's having an idea


	337. Big Brain Time

_BJ, thinking of his plan to make Lydia say his name:_ Oh, yeah! It's big brain time!


	338. Bag Of Trash

_Lydia:_ Hey, watch out for that bag of trash

 _Presley:_ Who, BJ? He's all the way on the other side of the room

_BJ:_

_BJ:_ What have I ever done to you?


	339. Dangerous Situation

_BJ:_ Oh, come on! When have I ever put you in a dangerous situation?

 _Lydia:_ Literally all the time!

 _BJ:_ Then you should be USED TO IT!


	340. Trouble

_Lydia:_ Want to see what kind of trouble we can get into?

 _Skye:_ Oh God, we're going to die, aren't we?

 _Lydia:_ It's a Tuesday, I know how to restrain myself

 _Hayley:_ You absolutely do not

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Kids Ages:
> 
> Lydia: 16  
> Hayley: 16  
> Wednesday: 15  
> Presley: 14  
> Skye: 10  
> BJ: 22 (The Maitlands are 27-30, so it's fine)


	341. Stupid

_BJ:_ So, you cry because I'm stupid?

 _Lydia:_ No, I eat ice cream because you're stupid

_BJ:_

_Lydia:_ I cry because I'm stupid


	342. Parmesan Cheese

_Delia:_ If anyone ever tells you that you put too much parmesan cheese on your pasta, stop talking to them

 _Delia:_ You don't need that kind of negativity in your life


	343. Fuck, Marry, Kill

_Lydia:_ Fuck, marry kill: Delia, Adam and Barbara

 _BJ:_ Fuck Barbara-

 _Barbara:_ Well, fuck you too, bitch


	344. Energy

_Charles, to the kids:_ All you guys talk about is top energy, bottom energy, big dick energy

 _Charles:_ Bitch, I got no energy! I'm so tired!


	345. Mind-Blowing

_Presley:_ Let's just say that tonight's gonna be fuckin' mind-blowing

**_Later, in the Netherworld_ **

_Someone: *Makes their head explode*_


	346. Eyes

_Hayley:_ I want you to look me straight in the eyes-

 _Lydia:_ You can't have me look into those eyes and expect me to be straight

_The Other Kids: *Gagging*_


	347. Strength

_Hayley:_ Strength isn't really your strength

_Lydia: *Pouts*_

_Hayley:_

_Hayley:_ Adorable cuteness is

_Lydia: *Sheepishly grins*_

_BJ: *Intense gagging*_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THEY'RE CUTE AND I NEED TO WRITE MORE ABOUT THEM ASAP
> 
> Also, all the other kids pretend that their relationship is gross, but they actually love how happy they are with each other


	348. Don't Do Anything

_Lydia:_ Don't do anything I wouldn't do

 _Lydia:_ So, don't eat pears and don't talk to the cat that lives down the street, you can't trust him

 _Skye:_ I mean, I'll try but if he talks to me first, I'm not gonna be rude


	349. Girl In Love

_Lydia:_ I'm just a girl in love, I can't be held responsible for my actions

 _BJ, spitting out his bug beverage:_ WAIT, YOU'RE A GIRL IN WHAT????

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ Uh oh...


	350. Dead Bodies

_Charles, first entering the Maitland house:_ What are all these dead bodies doing here?!

 _Delia:_ Honestly, not much

_Charles:_

_Delia:_

_Delia: *Hits her triangle*_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably worth mentioning where you can contact me outside of this site
> 
> My Tumblr, Twitter, Tik Tok and editing Instagram are all: Violent_Bulldog  
> And, my personal/spam Instagram is: Sad.Puppet.Show (Where I spend most of my time)
> 
> Please, feel free to message me  
> I may be awkward, but I want to interact with the people who actually read the trash that I post here :)


	351. Cheese Stick

_Lydia:_ It is time to rejoice

 _Hayley:_ Behold

 _Presley:_ The cheese stick

 _Skye:_ Hath returned

_Wednesday: *Yeets the cheese stick at BJ's face*_


	352. Pixie Stick

_BJ:_ HEY BITCH, YOU WANT A PIXIE STICK?!

 _Lydia:_ My dad says those turn you into a whore

 _BJ:_ PROBABLY! 


	353. Died

_BJ: *Gets stabbed*_

_Delia:_ He's meditating guys

_Adam:_

_Adam:_ He's died


	354. Africa

_Lydia:_ I need to borrow a suitcase

 _Delia:_ Okay...?

 _Lydia:_ I'm running away

 _Lydia:_ Tonight!

 _Delia, knowing that Lydia's having an episode:_ Cool, where to?

 _Lydia:_ Oh, you know

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ Africa


	355. Function

_Lydia: *Getting ready for school*_

_Lydia: *About to leave the house*_

_Lydia: *Points to BJ*_

_Lydia:_ I'll see you after the function


	356. Bad Guy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably offensive, it's based on a Tik Tok, I promise

_Lydia, BJ and the rest of the kids: *Watching a film*_

_BJ:_ The bad guy didn't do anything wrong

_Lydia: *Pauses the Auschwitz documentary*_


	357. Wow

_Lydia, to her friends:_ I'm so tired, I only got five hours of sleep last night

 _Claire, butting into the conversation:_ Well, I only got two

_Lydia:_

_Lydia, rolling her eyes:_ Wow


	358. Hey Mom

_Lydia, after BJ got her high... again:_ Hey Mom

 _Lydia:_ Mom!

 _Lydia:_ It's me, Lydia

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ I have... chlamydia 

_Lydia: *Wheezy laughter*_

_BJ: *Also wheezy laughter_

_Hayley:_ I hate this household sometimes


	359. The Whole Point

_Lydia: *Crosses the road without looking*_

_Skye:_ Are you stupid?!

 _Lydia:_ What?

 _Skye:_ You might get hit by a car!

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ Right, yeah, that's like the whole point


	360. Candy Cane

_Skye:_ Hey BJ!

_BJ: *Sad noises*_

_Skye:_ You're not having a good day?

 _Skye:_ Have a candy cane, I've got some left over from Christmas

_BJ: *Evil laughter*_

**_Later_ **

_Skye:_ BJ, how ARE YOU?!

_BJ, with the candy cane stuffed into his gums: *Happy noises*_


	361. School Nurses

_Lydia:_ Why are school nurses always kind of extremely useless?

 _Hayley:_ You could walk into a nurses office with four different heart diseases, heat stroke and severe dehydration with seventeen bullet wounds-

 _Presley:_ And she would be like

 _Wednesday, pointing to their rice cooker:_ Have a rice cooker, now you can make fried rice while you die

 _Skye, running with the rice cooker:_ Arigato gozaimasu!

_Charles: *Stares after Skye in shock*_

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ We didn't plan for her to do that...

 _Presley:_ How does she know Japanese...?


	362. Mouth

_BJ:_ Some guys will just show up and be like "Oh, what that mouth do"

_BJ: *Laughs*_

_BJ, stopping his laugher abruptly:_ Eat

_Adam:_

_Barbara:_

_BJ:_ I am a fat bitch

 _BJ:_ Unless you are able to provide me with an entire rotisserie chicken and ice cream any time I ask you for one-

 _BJ:_ -Just like Willy Wonka and his Oompa-Loompas-

 _BJ:_ -Remove yourself from my DM's

 _BJ, grabbing an ironing board:_ Otherwise, I am going to shove an entire ironing board into your pe-

_Adam and Barbara: *Tackles BJ*_


	363. Ugly

_Otho:_ Are any of y'all ever in the mood where you're just like

 _Otho:_ "Why am I still single?"

_Otho: *Laughs*_

_Otho:_ And then you're like "Wait"

_Otho:_

_Lydia and Hayley, holding hands:_

_Charles and Delia, sitting together:_

_BJ, sitting on Adam's lap with his head on Barbara's shoulder:_

_Skye, Presley and Wednesday, being too young to care about romance:_

_Otho:_ "It's because I'm fucking ugly"

_Otho: *Sad laughter*_


	364. Watched

_Lydia: *Wakes up in the hospital after a trick with BJ went wrong*_

_Hayley:_ Thank God, you're okay

 _Wednesday:_ We watched you while you were sleeping

_Lydia:_

_Presley:_ She means we were present while you were unconscious 


	365. Revenge

_Lydia:_ I love revenge

 _BJ:_ The feeling of cutting off your enemy's face and wearing it is just the best feeling in the whole world!

_Lydia: *Stunned silence*_

_BJ:_ Then you can use their face to kill more people you hate!

_Delia:_

_Delia:_ Well, aren't you both just little rays of pitch black...


	366. Extra Movie Ticket

_Hayley:_ Hey, I happen to have this extra movie ticket and I have nobody to give it to...

 _Hayley:_ Mind taking it so you can go with me?

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ Are you asking me out?

 _Hayley:_ No, I'm giving you a free opportunity to go to the movies with me

 _Lydia:_ So... a date?

 _Hayley:_ Just go out with me


	367. Hungry

_Charles:_ Does anyone have anything to eat?

 _Delia:_ I mean, I'm always a snack

 _Charles:_ I'm hungry, Delia, not horny


	368. Hammer

_Wednesday:_ I hate this, ice cream reminds me of my childhood

 _Barbara:_ You didn't have a happy childhood?

 _Wednesday:_ My favourite toy was a hammer

 _Wednesday:_ You finish the puzzle


	369. A Fly

_Claire:_ Oh please, you wouldn't hurt a fly

 _Lydia:_ You're right

 _Lydia:_ Because a fly is an innocent, unsuspecting creature that never knowingly did anything to anyone

_Claire:_

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ You, however, I would maim


	370. Deodorant

_Presley:_ How long does a stick to deodorant usually last you?

 _BJ:_ About three or four bites

_Presley:_

_BJ:_

_Presley:_ Why do I bother?


	371. Lighter

_Charles:_ You wanna explain why I found a lighter in your room?

 _Lydia:_ Oh, I set a nursing home on fire

 _Charles:_ Oh, thank God, I thought you were smoking weed

_Lydia:_

_Lydia: *Creeps away*_

_Charles_ : LYDIA!


	372. Unwell

_BJ, after getting stabbed:_ Mentally, I'm unwell, but physically?

 _BJ:_ I'm worse


	373. Blood

_Lydia, getting a text:_ Oh, it's my brother

 _Claire:_ Did he get me the stuff?

 _Lydia:_ Yeah, he says he got you the clown costume, the power drill and twelve gallons of blood

 _Claire:_ Wow, where did he find twelve gallons of fake blood?

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ You wanted fake blood?


	374. One Note

_Delia:_ Bet I can make you cry in one note

_Delia: *Plays the G note*_

_Lydia and BJ: *Immediately start crying*_


	375. De-Man

_Adam, whispering:_ No, please don't do it

 _Lydia, with an accent:_ De-man?

_BJ: *Pokes his head around the corner*_

_Barbara:_ Stop calling it that!

 _Lydia:_ De-man!

_BJ: *Points to himself*_

_Adam:_ Stop it, stop talking to it!

 _Lydia:_ No, I just want to talk to the demon!

_BJ: *Evil grin*_


	376. Put A Finger Down

_Lydia:_ Put a finger down if this applies to you

_BJ: *Puts five fingers up*_

_Lydia:_ Put a finger down if you have a stomach

_BJ: *Puts a finger down*_

_Lydia:_ Put a finger down if you've been hungry before

_BJ: *Puts another finger down*_

_Lydia:_ Put a finger down if you like nature

_BJ: *Puts another finger down*_

_Lydia:_ Put a finger down if you eat junk trash food

_BJ: *Puts another finger down*_

_Lydia:_ Put a finger down if you wanted to steal your friend's food

_BJ: *Puts a final finger down*_

_Lydia:_ You're a racoon

_BJ:_

_Lydia:_ You're a fucking racoon


	377. This Door

_Sign:_ Behind this door is every dead person you can't reach out to

_Lydia: *Opens the door*_

_Lydia:_

_Lydia, sadly:_ Why is my mom here?


	378. Eleven

**_Some certain fans:_** _*Ship Lydia and Skye*_

 _Skye:_ I'm eleven, so shut the fuck up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANYWAYS


	379. Horse

_BJ:_ You can tell a lot by a woman's hands

 _BJ:_ For instance, she has hooves?

_BJ:_

_BJ:_ Horse


	380. Vitamin D

_Lydia:_ Can you OD on vitamin D?

 _Presley:_ That's how Icarus died

 _Skye:_ ICARLY DIED!?


	381. Dog

_Lydia:_ Dog


	382. Shopping

_Charles:_ Why is the fridge full of Girl Scout cookies?

 _Skye:_ You told us to go shopping


	383. Yelling

_Delia:_ Lydia, what are you doing?

 _Lydia:_ I'm confronting the person who ruined my life

_Charles:_

_Charles:_ You're yelling at a mirror


	384. Make You Sorry

_Juno:_ I will make you sorry you were ever born!

 _Lydia:_ For your information, I'm already sorry I was ever born


	385. My Old Friend

_Lydia:_ Hello darkness, my old friend

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ Why are you here, it's four pm


	386. Wake Me Up

_Adam:_ Wake me up-

 _Delia:_ Before you go go

 _Lydia:_ When September ends

 _BJ:_ WAKE ME UP INSIDE


	387. Mars

_Lydia:_ Ten seconds is an eternity, Delia! It's a third of the way to Mars!

 _Delia:_ We talked about this, Lydia. Thirty Seconds to Mars is the name of a band, not a fact


	388. Flowers

_Miss Argentina:_ I don't like a man with flowers

 _Miss Argentina:_ It means he's done something he shouldn't have


	389. Scratched

_Adam:_ Why is your back all scratched up?

_BJ: *Flashbacks to him chasing a racoon after Adam told him to leave it alone*_

_BJ, panicking:_ I'm having an affair


	390. I Know

_Delia:_ You ever want to talk about your emotions, Lydia?

 _Lydia:_ No

 _BJ:_ I do!

 _Delia:_ I know, BJ

 _BJ:_ I'm sad!

 _Delia:_ I know, BJ


	391. Keep Your Voice Down

_Lydia: *Runs into a glass door and knocks herself out*_

_Hayley: *Turns around and walks away*_

_BJ:_ Isn't that your girlfriend?

 _Hayley:_ Shh! Keep your voice down! 


	392. Salt?

_Presley:_ Can you pass me the salt?

 _BJ:_ Huh?

 _Presley:_ I need the salt

 _BJ:_ The what?

 _Presley, gritting her teeth:_ The ocean cocaine

 _BJ, passing her the salt:_ Sure


	393. The Coolest Person

_Lydia:_ You're like, the coolest person I've ever met, and you don't even have to try

 _Hayley:_ I try really hard, actually


	394. You Can Say

_Lydia:_ What's something you can say both during sex and at a funeral?

 _BJ:_ It's so unbelievably hard

 _Otho:_ I thought he'd last longer

 _Delia:_ I don't know half the people here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Casual Dinner Discussions


	395. BDSM

_Charles, to Delia:_ What does "BDSM" stand for?

 _Lydia, walking past their bedroom:_ Being Dead Sounds Magnificent 


	396. Loses

_Skye:_ Is she always like this when she loses?

 _Charles:_ Oh yeah, you should have seen the Great Jenga Tantrum last week

 _Lydia:_ You hit the table and you know it!


	397. Proud

_Lydia:_ I haven't slept or eaten in three days!

_Charles:_

_Charles:_ That's not something to be proud of


	398. Anyone Told You

_Lydia:_ Has anyone ever told you that they love you?

 _BJ:_ Does family count?

 _Lydia:_ Yeah

 _BJ:_ Then no


	399. With A B

_Skye:_ My name is Skye with a B, and I've been afraid of insects my entire life-

 _Adam:_ Stop, stop, stop, where?

 _Skye:_ Huh?

 _Adam:_ Where's the B?

 _Skye, panicking:_ THERE'S A BEE?


	400. Void

_Barbara:_ How are you doing?

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ I want to yeet myself into the void


	401. Christian Rock

_Lydia:_ How do you think Christian rock was invented?

 _Delia:_ Someone was in a mosh pit thinking, "Wish I could do this for the lord"


	402. Pre-Sad

_BJ:_ You ever per-sad? Like, you're sad but nothing's even happened yet?

 _Lydia:_ Yup, I've been told that's depression 


	403. Lasagna

_Charles:_ What you're doing is illegal

 _Lydia:_ I'm not taking advice from you, you pronounce the "g" in lasagna


	404. Fire

_Barbara:_ You can't set all of your problems on fire!

 _Lydia:_ You'd be surprised about how many things are flammable 


	405. Crash And Burn

_Lydia:_ Feeling like I'm flying to crash and burn

 _Adam:_ Flying?

 _Lydia:_ I don't fucking know, I'm vibrating

 _Adam, taking the coffee mug from Lydia:_ Please start taking care of yourself


	406. Hitler

_BJ:_ Why was Hitler hit with a baseball?

 _Lydia:_ Because he was a fucking racist, sexist and homophobic nationalistic douchebag

_BJ:_

_BJ:_ No, because he did Nazi it coming...


	407. Not On Brand

_BJ:_ The fact that my eyes don't glow when I'm at my strongest is unacceptable and not on brand


	408. A

_Hayley:_ You can't spell "Cat" without "A"

 _Skye:_ Without a what?

 _Hayley:_ Without "A"

 _Skye:_ Without a what?!


	409. Creepy Friend

_Lydia:_ I need a creepy friend to scare off all the other creepy people

 _BJ:_ I would be honoured to be that friend


	410. Lemons...

_Delia:_ When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!

 _Lydia:_ Unless life also gives you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna taste pretty disgusting 


	411. Lemon Water

_Lydia:_ You know those people who never take care of themselves

 _Hayley:_ Claire?

 _Lydia, nodding:_ But then they have one slice of lemon inside of their water bottle and all of a sudden they're just like

 _Lydia:_ "Ah, I'm a self-care queen, ahhh!"

 _Lydia:_ No

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ Okay, lemon does not fix type two diabetes or severe anxiety

 _Lydia:_ Okay, you need to talk to a therapist

 _Hayley:_ Reading the Bible is also an effective solution 


	412. What Drink?

_Presley:_ Weird question, if you were a drink, what drink would you be?

 _Presley:_ I'd totally be cherry coke

 _Lydia:_ Bleach

 _BJ:_ Sewage

 _Presley:_ Please, calm the fuck down, edgelords


	413. School

_Lydia:_ You can't spell "school" without "I want to stab myself"

 _Delia, whispering:_ Jesus fucking Christ...


	414. Wonder

_BJ:_ Every day, I wonder

_Lydia:_

_Skye:_

_Charles:_

_Delia:_

_Adam:_

_Barbara:_

_Presley:_

_Hayley:_

_Wednesday:_

_BJ:_ But then, I stop


	415. Roommate

_Delia, talking about her college days:_ My roommate tried telling me I'm schizophrenic, but jokes on him, I didn't even have a roommate


	416. Boo

**_(When the Maitlands first met Skye)_ **

_Adam:_ BARBARA, LOOK WHAT I FOUND!

_Barbara: *Comes running into the room to see Adam holding Skye*_

_Adam:_ A BABY!

 _Skye:_ BOO!


	417. Be Specific

_Charles:_ What the fuck, Lydia?

 _Lydia:_ What?

 _Lydia:_ I've done a lot of things today that would get that reaction, please be specific 


	418. Yeah

_Hayley:_ Hey Lyds

 _Lydia:_ Yeah?

 _Hayley:_ A good response to a hello

 _Hayley:_ "Yeah"

 _Lydia:_ I'm tired, shut up


	419. Not Do The Think

_Lydia:_ I-

 _Lydia:_ I can't think words

 _Skye:_ You made Lydia not do the think!

 _Delia:_ What did I do this time?

_Delia:_

_Delia:_ "Not do the think"?


	420. Katy Perry?

_Lydia:_ So, I was hot

 _Lydia:_ And now, I'm cold

 _Delia:_ Katy Perry?

 _Lydia:_ Shut up


	421. Kick

_Adam:_ Would you hurt your best friend for a million dollars?

 _Lydia:_ I'd roundhouse kick BJ's head off for a single dorito 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jesus Christ, the number of comments on the last post that were just "420 haha"


	422. Straight Line

_Lydia:_ What do you use to draw a straight line?

_Charles:_ Not your sexuality, that's for sure


	423. Russian

_Delia:_ You can't read it because whoever wrote it was Russian

 _BJ:_ I don't care how fast they were writing, it makes no sense

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Delia may have the most brain cells in this entire household...


	424. Quitter

_Lydia:_ My parents didn't raise a quitter, but they did raise a homosexual and an idiot


	425. See

_Stuffed Animal: *Has fur covering its eyes*_

_Skye: *Gently fixes it*_

_Skye:_ You can see


	426. Make Up Words

_Lydia:_ You know I hate it when you make up words

 _BJ:_ Are you still mad at me for saying "Snacksident?"

 _Lydia:_ Yes. Very


	427. IQ

_Lydia:_ I'm the proud owner of an IQ of five and a half!

 _Hayley:_ Not for long

 _Lydia:_ Please, it's all I have


	428. Twelve Years

_Skye:_ Where's BJ? I want to start binging Harry Potter!

 _Delia:_ He'll be here soon, just wait-

 _Skye:_ I DID MY WAITING

 _Charles:_ Oh no-

 _Skye:_ TWELVE YEARS OF IT!

 _Lydia:_ You're not even twelve-

 _Skye:_ IN AZKABAN!

 _Hayley:_ Every time... 


	429. I'm Always Sad

_BJ:_ I'm gonna pluck you up, melt you down and make a fucking necklace!

 _Lydia:_ Yeah, I probably deserve it

 _BJ:_ Oh wait, shit. You don't make this fun cause you're sad!

 _Lydia:_ I'm always sad. That's just my thing

 _Lydia:_ I- I'm sorry. I'm sad. I can't- That's just how I be, y'know

 _BJ:_ Well, now I just feel bad. Damnit


	430. Chaotic

_Delia:_ What's your alignment?

 _BJ:_ Chaotic

 _Delia:_ Chaotic wha-

 _BJ:_ Chaotic


	431. Thirsty

_Lydia and Hayley: *Sitting on the couch and watching TV*_

_Skye: *Hands Lydia a bottle of water*_

_Lydia, drinking:_ Thanks, but what's it for?

 _Skye, obliviously:_ I heard from BJ that you get thirsty around Hayley

_Lydia: *Chokes on the water*_


	432. Chicken Magnet

_Lydia:_ I'm sort of a chicken magnet

 _Hayley:_ Don't you mean a chick magn-

_Chickens: *Enraged squawking in the near distance*_

_Lydia, very calmly:_ We have to leave now 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This goes out to my friend who said that Sophia looked like a chicken in one of her photos


	433. Truth Or Dare?

_BJ:_ Truth or dare?

 _Barbara, sighing:_ Truth

 _BJ:_ Do you want to kiss me?

 _Barbara:_ Dare

 _BJ, leaning in:_ I dare you to kiss me

 _Barbara:_ Never have I ever-

 _BJ:_ THAT'S NOT THE GAME!


	434. Hardcore

_Lydia:_ You wanna see how hardcore I am?

_Lydia: *Punches a wall*_

_Lydia:_ Take me to a hospital

 _Charles:_ For the love of God...


	435. Water

_Lydia:_ Morning, BJ, what are you drinking?

 _BJ:_ Water

 _Lydia:_ Really? It doesn't smell like water

 _BJ:_ It's... imported water

 _Lydia:_ Uh-huh, imported from where?

_BJ:_

_BJ:_ Russia

 _Lydia:_ Are you drinking vodka at nine in the morning?

 _BJ:_ It's nine-thirty

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ Give me some and I won't tell dad

 _BJ:_ Deal


	436. Woke Up

_Lydia:_ I woke up

 _Delia:_ Umm... good job?

 _Lydia:_ Thanks, I'm done for today


	437. Let Her Finish

_Delia:_ What if "It's Raining Men" and "Let The Bodies Hit The Floor" are both about the same event but from different perspectives?

 _Charles:_ Please, I'm literally begging you to stop

 _Wednesday, taking notes:_ No, let her finish


	438. Anxious

_Delia:_ What do we say when we get anxious?

 _Adam:_ My anxiety is chronic, but my ass is iconic

 _Delia:_ NO!

_Adam:_

_Delia:_

_Delia:_ Well-


	439. I'm You

**_(When they first met)_ **

_Wednesday:_ Who are you?

 _Lydia:_ I'm you, but gayer


	440. Phone

_Skye:_ What do you guys say when you answer the phone?

 _Presley:_ What's up?

 _BJ:_ Who dis be?

 _Lydia:_ No, she's dead, this is her daughter


	441. Sleep?

_Delia:_ BJ goes to bed after us and is awake before us. Does he even sleep?

 _Lydia:_ I think he periodically makes a whirling noise and then just shuts down


	442. Good Responses

_Adam:_ Good responses for being stabbed with a knife?

 _Presley:_ Rude

 _BJ:_ That's fair

 _Wednesday:_ Not again

 _Lydia:_ Are you gonna want this back?

 _Hayley:_ Thanks

_Skye:_

_Skye:_ Calling an ambulance?


	443. Serious Conversation

_Charles, after finding out that Lydia nearly killed herself:_ I'm trying to have a serious conversation!

 _Lydia, locked in her room and refusing to open the door:_ And I'm trying to avoid it!


	444. Platonic

_Miss Argentina:_ Truth is, I only know of one genuinely platonic relationship

 _BJ:_ You and me

 _Miss Argentina:_ Don't make me laugh, Beetlejuice. You want to hit this so hard


	445. The Password

_BJ:_ Hey, do you know the password to Lydia's computer?

 _Hayley:_ Fuck you, Bug Drink

 _BJ:_ Hey!

 _Hayley:_ No, you misunderstood, the password is "fuckyoubugdrink"

 _BJ:_ Oh, no numbers? That's not very safe


	446. The Password

_BJ:_ Hey, do you know the password to Lydia's computer?

 _Hayley:_ Fuck you, Bug Drink

 _BJ:_ Hey!

 _Hayley:_ No, you misunderstood, the password is "fuckyoubugdrink"

 _BJ:_ Oh, no numbers? That's not very safe


	447. Tried To Kill Me

_BJ:_ Why should I live with any of you?

 _BJ:_ Five of you tried to kill me in the past

 _BJ:_ One of which, succeeded

_BJ: *Glares at Lydia*_

_Lydia: *Shrugs*_


	448. 24/6

_Lydia:_ If you need me, I'm available 24/6

 _Hayley:_ Don't you mean 24/7?

 _Lydia:_ No, Saturdays are my hang-out-with-BJ days


	449. Kicked

**_(Semi-canon universe)_ **

_BJ, about Lydia:_ I got kicked in the head today by a tiny lesbian

 _BJ:_ She was 5'1" and I didn't think she could do it... I was very wrong


	450. Strang Emotion

_Lydia:_ I feel a strange emotion towards you...

 _BJ:_ Respect?

 _Lydia:_ Never

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since we're... 450 chapters into this  
> LET'S DO AN INTRODUCTION TO THE AUTHOR
> 
> Hi, my name is Sam. I'm 16, non-binary and live in Scotland. I love writing (and not just this crack book) and I'm actually using one of my published pieces here ("I Tried To Save You...") as part of my English folio at school. It's like... 30% of my grade in the class, so whoop. Anyways, three fun facts:
> 
> 1\. I've been writing properly for just around three years  
> 2\. I'm planning to go to college for Musical Theatre  
> 3\. I kinda self-project into my writing, which is why it's normally dark
> 
> :)


	451. Drink

_Lydia:_ Would you like something to drink?

 _BJ, opening the fridge:_ We've got water, milk, juice, spiders, Dr. Pepper-

 _Delia:_ Spiders?

 _Lydia:_ Spiders it is, then

 _Delia:_ No, that wasn't-

_BJ: *Pours a glass of spiders*_

_Delia:_ Oh God, why are there so many spiders-

_Delia: *Screams*_


	452. Flu

_Hayley:_ Okay, I don't think you understand so let's go over it again

 _Lydia:_ Okay

 _Hayley:_ I have the flu

 _Lydia:_ Yeah?

 _Hayley:_ It's highly contagious

 _Lydia:_ Okay

 _Hayley:_ You're a big baby when you're sick

 _Lydia:_ So I've been told, can we make out now?

_Hayley: *Sighs*_


	453. Toast

_Delia, excitedly:_ Lydia, say toast ten times!

 _Lydia:_ Toast, toast, toast, toast, toast, toast, toast, toast, toast, toast

 _Delia:_ Now, what do you put in a toaster?

 _Lydia:_ A fork

_Delia:_

_Delia:_ Um-


	454. Before Dinner

_Lydia:_ Is that a dead body?

_BJ:_

_BJ:_ Maybe

 _Lydia:_ It is, I can see it, it's right in front of me

 _BJ:_ I promise I'll clean it up before dinner!


	455. Bad Vibes

_Lydia:_ So, apparently the bad vibes I've been feeling are actually just symptoms of my depression and anxiety 


	456. Candy

_Barbara:_ Gentle reminder

 _Barbara:_ Don't eat too much candy before you go to bed

 _Presley:_ No

 _Barbara:_ This was supposed to be a gentle reminder, yet your words of defiance bring me ungodly amounts of rage


	457. Thick

_BJ:_ Bitch, I may be small, but I am thick as fuck


	458. We Always Say

_Wednesday:_ Live fast!

 _Lydia:_ Die young!

 _Hayley:_ Leave behind a pretty corpse!

 _Presley:_ That's what we always say!

_Barbara:_

_Barbara:_ You should say something else


	459. Ghosts

**_(When they first met)_ **

_Lydia:_ I'm not afraid of ghosts

 _Barbara and Adam:_ That's because ghosts are afraid of you


	460. Bye, Ghosts

_Lydia, leaving for school:_ Bye, ghosts

 _Lydia:_ I love you

_Adam, Barbara, Presley and BJ: *Wave goodbye*_


	461. Underground

_Adam:_ Yeah, I listen to underground music! Ever heard of The Beatles?

 _Lydia:_ Only two of them are underground

 _Delia:_ Child-


	462. A Bee Sea?

_Skye:_ The alphabet is terrifying! A bee sea? No thanks, we're good

 _Lydia:_ I can't even articulate how fucking bad this joke is

 _Skye:_ What joke?


	463. Piercing

_Lydia:_ Getting a piercing is just a socially acceptable form of self-harm

_Delia:_

_Delia:_ Do you need another therapy appointment?


	464. Prepared For Trouble

_Lydia, when BJ says that she has to marry him:_ I was prepared for trouble, but not for this


	465. Not Funny

_Delia:_ Not funny, didn't live, laugh or love


	466. Soap

_BJ, high at 3 am:_ If I eated soap. I don't eat it because I did. No, I didn't


	467. Trauma?

_Lydia:_ Trauma? Did you mean the reason I'm fucking hilarious?


	468. Meeting

_Charles:_ I survived another meeting that should've been an email


	469. Tea

_Lydia, after she stabs BJ with the bad art:_ And that's the tea, sis


	470. In Years

_BJ:_ Celebrate the New Year!

 _Lydia:_ It's February

 _Delia:_ It's March?

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ I haven't slept since 2009


	471. I Got You

_Lydia:_ I could really go for a Capri-Sun right now

_BJ, launching Capri-Suns from the roof down to Lydia:_ I GOT YOU!


	472. Buffet

_BJ:_ I'm not a snack, I'm the whole damn buffet!


	473. Handbook

_BJ:_ Are you implying that I occasionally stray from the handbook?

 _Miss Argentina:_ I'm implying that you don't own a copy of the handbook, and if you do, you've certainly never opened it

_BJ:_

_BJ:_ Fair point


	474. We Have Your Kid

_Juno:_ We have your kid

 _BJ:_ I don't have a kid?

 _Juno:_ Then who's the kid who single-handledly beat up one of us while telling us that she's murdered a demon-man before?

 _BJ:_ Oh my God, you have Lydia...


	475. Improvement

_Skye, to BJ at some point:_ I'd point out the dirt on your face, but frankly, it's an improvement 


	476. Men Are Stupid

_BJ:_ Men are stupid

_Lydia: *Seething with rage*_

_Delia:_ Why are you so angry?

 _Lydia:_ I want to disagree with BJ at all times, but he's right


	477. Screams

_BJ:_ My body screams "Vegetables" but my heart screams "Ice Cream"

 _Delia:_ What does your brain say?

 _BJ:_ It just screams


	478. Intimidating

_Skye:_ I need you to teach me how to become ten times more intimidating than I am

 _Lydia:_ Ten times zero is still zero, Skye


	479. That Will Change

_BJ:_ If you have bones, that will change


	480. Good Day

**_(After "That Beautiful Sound")_ **

_Lydia:_ Ah, today is a good day

 _Adam:_ You killed everyone!

 _Lydia:_ Even better


	481. Political

_Lydia, on Twitter:_ Not to get political on main, but what the FUCK is a number?


	482. Live Here

_Charles:_ Hello people who do not live here

 _Hayley:_ Hey!

 _Presley:_ Hi!

 _Wednesday:_ Hello!

 _Miss Argentina:_ Hey

 _Otho:_ Hey!

 _Delia:_ We gave you a key for emergencies

 _Presley:_ We were out of Doritos


	483. Thought You Knew

_Lydia:_ Okay, yeah, I LOVE Hayley! I have loving feelings for Hayley. But does that mean I'm IN love with her? No-

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ Oh my God, I'm in love with Hayley...

 _Lydia, to BJ and Presley:_ Why didn't you guys tell me?!

 _BJ:_ We thought you knew


	484. Milk

_Charles:_ Can someone explain to me why there is a cow in the living room?

 _BJ:_ I wanted some milk, but we ran out so I panicked and bought a cow


	485. Nice Hot Cup Of Coffee

_BJ:_ Lyds, I got you a nice, hot cup of coffee!

 _Lydia:_ It's cold

 _BJ:_ A nice cup of coffee

 _Lydia:_ It's horrible

 _BJ:_ Cup of coffee

 _Lydia:_ I'm not even sure if this is coffee

 _BJ:_ Cup

 _Lydia:_ It's a bowl


	486. Papercut

_Skye: *Gets a papercut*_

_Barbara, waking up in the middle of the night, covered in sweat and breathing heavily:_ Something's wrong!


	487. Rest Of My Life

_Skye:_ Hey, Lydia! How are you?

 _Lydia:_ Well, I'll probably be sad for the rest of my life

_Skye:_

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ But, besides that, I'm good


	488. Box

_Delia:_ Imagine if you found a box full of things you lost throughout your life

 _Hayley:_ I knew I lost that sense of purpose somewhere!

 _Skye:_ Oh, my childhood innocence! Thank you for finding this!

 _Presley:_ My life? I haven't seen this in forever!

 _Lydia:_ Mental stability, my old friend!

 _Wednesday:_ My happiness? Oh my God, I forgot this existed!

_Delia:_

_Delia:_ Hey, could you kids lighten up a bit?


	489. Baking Cookies

_BJ:_ What are you doing?

 _Delia:_ Baking cookies

 _BJ:_ Why are you baking?

 _Delia:_ Because I want to throw the cookies out of the window

 _Delia:_ Why do you think I'm making them?


	490. Long-Ass Fucking Week

_Lydia:_ It's been a long-ass fucking week

 _BJ:_ I don't need to hear about what you and Hayley get up to in your bedroom

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ I will fucking banish you 


	491. Smell It

_Barbara:_ You never said you did cocaine!

 _BJ:_ Bitch, I don't!

 _BJ:_ I just like to smell it


	492. Questions...

_BJ:_ Can I ask you a question?

 _Charles:_ You just did

 _BJ:_ Okay, can I ask you two?

 _Charles:_ You already did

 _BJ:_ Okay, can I ask four questions?

 _Charles:_ You just did again

 _BJ:_ When?

 _Charles:_ Now


	493. Full HD

_Lydia, clearly sleep-deprived and delirious:_ Today, my teacher asked me how I view lesbian relationships

 _Adam, worriedly:_ Okay?

 _Lydia:_ Apparently, "In full HD" wasn't the right answer

 _Adam:_ Oh good Lord...


	494. Corner

_BJ, curled up in a ball, floating in the corner of Lydia's room:_ I'm in your corner

 _Lydia:_ I don't want you in my corner


	495. Human Body

_Lydia, holding her fourth cup of coffee in an hour:_ But if the human body doesn't get water, it will die

 _Delia:_ I hate to break it to you, but this is not water

 _Lydia:_ No, but it's a liquid


	496. Muscle

_BJ:_ I think I pulled a muscle

 _Lydia:_ You can't pull what you don't have


	497. Chill For One Second

_Presley:_ I have a problem

 _Lydia and BJ, at the same time:_ Kill it

 _Presley:_ Can you two chill for one second?


	498. Initials

_Lydia, to Hayley:_ On our first date, I will carve our initials into a tree.

_Hayley: *Alarmed look*_

_Lydia:_ It's the most romantic way of letting you know that I have a knife

_Hayley: *More alarmed look*_


	499. Tiger

_The Family: *Trying to eat dinner in peace*_

_Lydia, pointing to BJ:_ He fucked a tiger

 _BJ, slamming his hands down on the table:_ I DID NOT!


	500. Some Girls

_Lydia:_ There's really some girls out there who will use the same excuse for everything

 _Hayley:_ Claire?

 _Lydia:_ Yes

 _Lydia:_ Like, they'll run over an old lady and be like "Oh, it's because I have two brain cells"

 _Lydia:_ No. You just committed a murder

_Hayley:_

_Hayley:_ Did Claire run someone over?


	501. Gotsta Go

_BJ:_ I need Lydia to marry me!

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ Well, I'm sorry... I re- I really do gotsta go

_Lydia:_

_BJ:_

_Lydia:_

_Lydia, slowly creeping from the room:_ I go- I got- I gotsta go!

 _Lydia, running from the room:_ Yauwwww!


	502. Marry Nice

_Charles:_ How are you ever going to marry a nice girl like Delia, huh?

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ Which one is it dad, marry a nice girl or someone like Delia?


	503. Drink It

_BJ:_ If you were my wife, I'd put poison in your coffee

 _Lydia:_ If you were my husband, I'd drink it


	504. Gross

_Lydia, whenever she sees BJ:_ Gross


	505. Goldfish

_Lydia:_ I don't know who told you this

 _Lydia:_ But, just because I boiled my goldfish when I was four and a half years old, does not make me a sociopath

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ Okay, it just means that sometimes I want to make fish soup

_Lydia:_

_Lydia:_ And I did...

_Lydia:_

_Delia, who just asked Lydia what she thought of the fish at the aquarium:_

_Lydia:_ I loved that fish, his name was Henry


	506. Bingo

_Adam:_ How many mental illnesses do you have?

 _Lydia:_ Enough to shout bingo at the psychiatrist office


	507. Cinnamon

_BJ:_ You underestimate my power

 _Lydia:_ You can't even spell cinnamon right


	508. Self-Isolation

_Barbara: *Says literally anything*_

_BJ:_ That sounds kinda hot

 _Lydia:_ Day one of self-isolation: BJ's horny levels have risen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay safe y'all <3


	509. Washing Machine

_Delia:_ I am in my nice, aired out, clean bedroom

 _BJ:_ I thought she was gonna say that she was in the washing machine


	510. We're All Gonna Die

_Hayley:_ You really think that this will work?

 _Lydia:_ No, not at all

 _Presley:_ Then why the hell are we doing it?!

 _BJ:_ It sounded fun

 _Skye:_ We're all gonna die

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What are they doing?  
> That's up to you
> 
> My take?  
> Setting fireworks up on the roof...


End file.
